Saturday, November 7, 2009

I Am Here

I sit and I watch
And my heart is full
When The Coach said ‘Hold on, your turn’s next’

I sit while my feet tapped
And my fingers fidgeting
And my smile bright

I sit on the white bleachers
I sit among many like me
Our spirits free, looking into the field

I sit and I laugh
Looking at the players tripping and falling
Into the mud, or onto each other

I sit and I cheer and cheer
When they win, when they lose, when they fall
I cheer loud, so they can hear

I sit and I watch
Many of them leaving for the field
Upon The Coach’s calling

I sit and I see
The smiles on their faces, entering the field
When they do not even know whether they’d win

I sit and I think
I want to be there, on the field
To be battered and celebrated

I sit and wonder
What is not enough of me
That The Coach didn’t even spare me a hit or two

I sit and watch
The bleachers are getting empty
By the minute

I sit and cry
And wonder why The Coach has picked me
Only as a cheerleader

I sit and cry
And wonder why The Coach has decided
To sideline me

I sit and cry
And wonder why The Coach thinks
That I am not worth to be cheered

I am here, Coach
For bruises and hits
I am worth a play

I am here, still
I sit, stay and only watch them play
I don’t want to cheer them anymore, not in anyway
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Tell Her

She ran away for a while
To search for what she left behind, if any
Please tell her it’s okay, she will be okay
Please tell her to come back home

If she only knew that her shoes have been filled before
More importantly they will be filled
After her painful stride
She won’t be alone

Oh what’s the use of asking her to smile?
Leave her be, she’ll come by
Maybe with bright sunlight next time
When the rain has stopped

She will run away and we shall wait
Please just tell her that it will be okay
Please tell her hearts are broken everyday
And she will come back home, mended and new
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Saturday, September 19, 2009

50 Questions

1.Are you wearing a hat?
No.

2. Bottled water: yes or no?
Yes.

3. Do you have a crush on someone right now?
Auw...do I really have to tell?

4. What kind of laptop do you have?
Oi! Sensitive! Ask me back in 2 months.

5. Do you prefer writing in pen or pencil?
Pencil. The wooden pencil, it produces the scribbling sound that I like. :)

6. Who was the last text message in your phone from?
The Good Boy saying he’s ‘penat’

7. What’s your favorite season?
Shopping season!

8. Does your best friend have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
She has a husband.

9. Do you like them?
Yes. They have always been there for me, both of them.

10. Favorite radio station?
Hitz or Mix.

11. Type your name into Google. What’s the first link that pops up?
Oooh... It lead me to a friendster account that I forgot I had! Registered in 2004! Ooooh I’m sooo gonna log on the account later.

12. What’s your favorite song at the moment?
Don’t have one, but Britney’s ‘Radar’ has been playing in my mind now, for the past few days.

13. Coke or Pepsi?
Coke.

14. Favorite subject in school?
Art.

15. Last concert?
Siti Nurhaliza’s Sanggar Mustika Concert in 2004. Yea I know...I listen to Siti. Har har...

16. Next concert?
Who’s taking?

17. Last magazine you bought?
CLEO

18. Last book you read?
The Five People You Meet in Heave, by Mitch Albom, which was like over a year ago.

19. Do you prefer cats or dogs?
Neither.

20. Is there someone you want to punch right now?
Oooooh...yes!

21. Favorite singer?
Um, don’t have one.

22. State you most want to visit?
In Malaysia? Penang. That's the only place I haven't been to.

23. Are you a MySpace addict?
MySpace is so yesterday. And no, I wasn’t an addict then, either.

24. When do you shower?
Before and after work, sometimes late at night before bed.

25. What’s your dream job?
A columnist like Carrie Bradshaw. I can write about like-what I ate, what I wore, what a guy said to me last night, what a naked dress is-and still can afford Manolo Blahniks for everyday wear.

26. What kind of car do you drive?
Something Carrie Bradshaw would be ashamed to be in.

27. What word in the dictionary best describes you?
Gemini.

28. What’s your blog address?
Er..

29. Worst TV show at the moment?
The news.

30. Are you a better talker or better listener?
I can do both. But I need to improve more on my listening skills. Much, much more.

31. Do you care about who wins the election?
I guess.

32. Who was the most popular kid in your 7th grade class?
7th Grade is 12-13 right? Oh there was this guy, ‘S’ who was so freakin cute but he turned me off when I found out he was stupid. Like really.

33. Are you afraid of ghosts?
Yes. Very.

34. Is there something lacking in your life right now?
Motivation.

35. What do you miss most about childhood?
The luxury of having no responsibilities-when people fuss about me, what I eat, what I wear, they are very careful with I feelings, they celebrate even my tiniest achievement.. Those I do not have now.

36. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
Auw man.. I took the test twice. The first time was with a lady, who was having her mensus. The second was with a cute guy, who must be single. He even wished me Happy Birthday after the test, cuz he noticed my birthdate on my ID, which was a few days after the test.

37. How many kids do you want?
2 or 4.

38. Are you a good liar?
No.

39. Can you cook?
Yes.

40. Are you a cheapskate?
Depends.

41. What would you do with a million dollars?
First and foremost, I’d seek a dermatologist and then a plastic surgeon to get a healthy skin (I have scars on my body) and a hot figure.

42. Have you been to Disney World?
No, but is it too late?

43. How much time do you spend online a week?
Ooh.. I really don’t know. Obviously more that 8 hours a day.

44. Last time you went bowling?
I can’t remember.. Sometime in June, maybe?

45. Hot or cold weather?
Neither.

46. How many pairs of shoes do you have?
5, for now.

47. Are you a shop-a-holic?
Not really.

48. Where were you yesterday morning at 10:30?
Work, having a slight argument with my boss.

49. Are you afraid of the dentist?
No cuz I never had a bad experience with one, thanks to my healthy teeth! The last time I had anything done on my teeth was when I was 9, where the dentist patched a few of my teeth, and that wasn’t so scary.

50. Were you bored or entertained by this survey?
A bit entertained, cuz I had nothing better to do. So thank you.
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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Until Morning

Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
I will give up what I feel tonight
I promise, I promise you
I will give you up without a fight

Take back the times
Take them all back, the lights
I thought I saw with you
When I was lost somewhere, somewhere in you

I will make up my mind
Turn down the voices in my head
I will walk away from this
Just give me until the morning rise

Shimmer oh shine
Sweet scents of morning
I will be gone, leave you at peace
Just give me until the morning rise

Turn around oh turn around
When I wake up turn around
Don’t take me in the sunlight
Don’t take me in the light

Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
I will give up what I feel tonight
I promise, I promise you
I will give you up without a fight
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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Tripping, Stumbling, Sinking, Crumbling

I’ve been meaning to write you
A line or two that you can remember
Or that can make you smile
On your way to work

I have so many I want to say
A word or two that mean something
But my vocab is limited
And my pronunciation bad

So I kept quiet when we meet
Also when on the phone
I blame the blurry phone line
For me to hang up, when my words are out

I know you know my tremble
When I choke on my words and out of breath
But The Boy Scouts didn’t teach you CPR
For a girl choking on her nerves

So you decided to stare and ask ‘Are you okay?’
To which I would reply ‘You have beautiful teeth’
But Mommy must have taught you well
When you would walk me home still
Even when I snort when I giggle

I do want you to know
That my heart isn’t as complicated
As my tongue when I speak, or try to
I simply am fond of you
And that will be for a long time too


Click Here to Read More..

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My Motivation

I got myself together one weekend and asked myself do I want to carry this fat body around forever. I used to be an M, now er...no more M.

I was glancing through photos of mine taken during my birthday celebration when I realized I was overweight. How could I ever think that I looked ok? Well thanks to very loving friends who accepted me for who I am and appreciated my company regardless of my ass size, that’s why..(I love you guys!). Also, because I didn’t have a full size mirror in my room. Sigh.

And then there was another day when I was glancing through my old Uni photos and photos when I was dating my ex, 4 years back, when I realized I looked good. I looked extremely hot. And I was determined to get the body back simply because I feel I am worthy of it. And I’m tired of going shopping and getting disappointed in the dressing room.  To all designers/boutiques out there..what’s with the small sized clothes oi? You think fat people cannot afford to buy your designs because we spend most of our money on food? Well guess what..we can afford BOTH food and expensive clothes, you freak! But then again, thank you for the motivation.

I started working out again, with myself in my mind, thinking that I owe myself a good health and a good looking body. I got a full size mirror, new running shoes and a scale. I was also thinking about the fact that I will be turning 30 in 3 years and if I stay fat, I ‘d never get the chance to say ‘I was once young and sizzling hot’ when I reach mid 30’s. Sigh. It's been 6 weeks now since I started working out and I am pleased with the result. My body is slowly shedding the weight off. I need another 6 months to a year until I can get back my Uni-day body. But I will!

So for those wanting to shed weight but lack motivation, think of you, think of yourself. Do it for your own good, not for a guy/girl you want to impress, because you mean more than anybody else. Think about matching that wonderful personality of yours with a good looking body. Think also about the all clothes you can wear! You deserve it!

Note : Oh yeah, another tip-announce to the world that you are in the midst of losing weight, so that the thought of the world laughing you off should you fail, keeps playing in your mind as motivation.
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August

I lost you to August
It is disturbing, the wind
Blowing you away from me
Swirling, twirling you away from me

The heart finally stopped longing
And I find myself crawling back to a place
Where I have nothing to lose, everything to gain
Where I belong

I can still hear the wind even here in my corner
It swifts and dance with a smile
With you in its hands
With its whispers in my ears

It is cold here
But it is familiar, the sight, the nothingness
I let the wind dance and sing, perpetually
And I surrender to it, it wins

I sit here, my heart cannot break
As I do not have one anymore

I lost you to August
You, whom I have never had
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Monday, August 3, 2009

I was reminded of Mama when I was having a conversation with a relative who is currently staying with us here. The relative, a 68 year old lady whom I call nenek, is here with her husband who is seeking treatment at a nearby hospital.

It seems that her husband, whom I call atok, has a major tumour on his arm, which they are afraid of being cancerous. I told the lady, ‘My mum showed me how a cancer tumour looks and feels like. It is something that grows under the skin and is not bumpy like atok's’.

She replied, ‘Poor thing..who is taking care of your parents’ house now?’ and then the conversation continued about the house, my parents, me. I got teary eyed and excused myself. I went to my room and sobbed. I hate this feeling. The fact that I am reminded that they are gone. And that I have no one. I call the lady nenek, but she is not blood related to me. She is someone else’s nenek.

I live with my sister now and yes I call her home my home too. But in fact, it isn’t. There will be a day that I shall leave this home; I cannot stay here forever. But then where do I go? I have nothing. I have nobody.
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Sunday, August 2, 2009

Random Ramblings 3

I started wearing sunnies during my outdoor workout sessions recently to avoid the sun and to avoid being seen by people I do not want to meet (happened a lot lately). The funny thing (which later I thought was annoying) is the fact that I get more stares when wearing them than the time I do not have them on.

Wearing sunnies during the outdoor workout session is not something bizarre, as many of the runners/joggers have them on. So I didn’t think people stared at me because they thought wearing sunnies were trying too hard. You see, when they stare, they stare me in the eyes. They think that just because they cannot see my eyes, I too cannot see them. Well boohoo..I can. And this keeps happening time and time again. What is the urge, people? To try and look into the eyes of people wearing sunnies? What is the urge? Don’t you know that we can see you? Oh yeah WE CAN! I can’t help but think it is just pure *cough* stupidity.

A colleague of mine who is 22 has been dating a 27 year old girl from another department. Yes we were shocked when they hooked up, and yes, we are shocked that they are still going strong. Maybe it is meant to be. Now, it hasn’t bothered me before, the fact that they are dating, until recently. The boy (who reports to my boss) SMSed my boss one Monday morning. The SMS read ‘I am unable to come to work as my girlfriend’s sister is sick. She may have to be admitted in a hospital in Muar and my girlfriend and I are on the way there to send her to the hospital’. Yup. He took emergency leave because the girlfriend’s sister MIGHT be sick at another part of the country. For your information, the sister is living with her parents and I am sure, more than sure that she can be well taken care of by the family, not a family member’s boyfriend. I am not annoyed over the fact that the 22 year old is lying to avoid work, because he is not. I’m annoyed that it is the truth. He did go to Muar, to show how much of a hero he is-to someone not even related to him yet. I can imagine the girl’s plea, ‘If you love me, you better get my sister to the hospital’. Sigh.

People have been asking when I’m going to get married, more often than before. ‘Can you get married before I turn 42?’, asked my 41 year old sis. Next year? Yeah right. ‘My friends at the office have been asking about you’, she continued. People from her office? Who’s gonna ask her the question next? Her boss? Random people in the public? Sigh.

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Random Ramblings 2

There is always this feeling of tranquillity when I hear the Azan. I think I speak for every Muslim about that. I heard Azan Zuhur at lunchtime on the radio. I was having trouble at work in the morning and when I heard the Azan, I felt my worries just drain away, easily flowing away.

The Azan gave me wider perspective. Suddenly all the worries of the world are not that big anymore. Suddenly I was reminded that there is a bigger force to life, which is God. And He decides. I felt I was giving away my problems to him, que sera sera, for Him to decide, as I do not have the power or will to change more than what I have already changed. And that two minutes was the best minutes of my day today.

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Another thing that has brought calmness in me recently is my working out! I have been jogging (ok, fine...brisk walking) this whole month and with each step I took, I felt released from the stress I’m in. On top of that, I’ll have a fab bod in 2 more months! Makes me smile...

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This year, many of the people I despise at work have left my working proximity. First was this horrible colleague who was able to cause us trouble in everyway. Forgetting deadlines? Always. Forgetting to return calls? Yup, as he was never in the office. Took more leave than anybody else? Oh boy, he did it. Dump all his work to his colleagues? Yup. Dumped his work to his colleagues and take credit for a job well done? Too many times. Well, he left about a month ago, and truthfully speaking, our workload here at the company did not change. It was the same as before. That means that he never contributed to the company. The only good thing about him leaving is the fact that the office is quieter (he has a big mouth) and that we finally can take credit from the work we do.

Another idiot leaving us is my ex boss (boohoo!). He gave me hell when I reported to him. He told me that my writing is bad (I know...stupid of him ain’t it?) and that I had an ‘attitude’. Cheh. Try having himself as a boss. Then I’ll be sure you’d see a different side of you you haven’t seen before. Blergh. (My GM also hated him, as he has never shown good work, basically). He was so sick of me he’d hurt me in many ways he could, he made me cry and made me feel like crap. When I left to work with another boss, I heard my ex GM gave him bad end of year assessment and treated him like crap, which is what I think he deserved. Music to my ears was when I heard he was leaving the company to start his own business. Let’s see how well the business will go..or will not go...

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I don’t like sweet stuff. Cakes, ice cream, chocolates, caramel (urgh!). Well I don’t really hate them though. I just do nor prefer them. The reason why I’m fat is because I dig fried-to-perfection and santan based stuff, boohoo. I’m blaming my Minang side for that. They introduced me to ayam goreng rempah, daging cincang, rendang minang, masak lemak cili api...yumm!!! I can’t imagine living without those things. I even sometimes eat roti canai or mee goreng with kuah rendang. Yummers!

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Random Ramblings

I don’t understand the relevance of acting the opposite way you feel, particularly when you’re feeling sad. Like a song suggested: ‘Smile through your heart is aching, smile, even though it’s breaking’. Why torture yourself? I have tried and failed.
I somehow cannot force my facial muscles to form a smile when my eyes are getting teary. Nature has decided that a teary eye goes together with a pout or a frown, not a smile. Maybe what the songs suggests is for us to stay positive throughout the struggles in our lives. Well, we will, as soon as we have dried up our tears and gain rationality, which may take from an hour to 3 days.

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I went out for lunch with my officemates, who are all male yesterday. Then, in the middle of our meal, we were joined by two other men, one a driver and one (later I learned) a lab assistant whom I have never met before. The assistant came and sat next to me, with guess what? -A breast silicone. In his hands. ‘Look’, he said, holding it up for the table to see. And see was what the table did. ‘This is a breast implant. There was an actress who came by our hospital yesterday and had this silicone implanted’, he said. My friends started asking questions about the silicone and the actress and then a few jokes were exchanged. I listened but did not find anything amusing. I thought the only thing worth laughing at is this assistant who actually held the silicone in his hands even to lunch, just to show it around. A true attention seeker and pervert indeed. Either those or he is just a plain idiot looking for a few minutes of fame.

I continued my lunch and became very quiet. The assistant started squeezing and playing with the silicone in his hand. And then I gave him the look. And he shot back, ‘Eh, there’s a lady here and she’s mad about this’, hoping that the table replied to his statement with a few laughs or giggles, but he was only disappointed when my friends only kept quiet. He kept playing with the silicone all through lunch and desert.

I was baffled by this assistant’s behaviour. Why did he carry that silicone around? Firstly, it belongs to the hospital. Secondly, don’t you look stupid carrying it around? Or maybe he thought that looking stupid is nothing compared to the fame he gets when people start asking questions about the silicone and the sizzling details about the actress who had them implanted the day before. No one can get shallower than that

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I hate people with baby-like manner. The sulking, the tantrums, the I-want-what-I-want-and-I-want-it-now attitude and the constant nagging/complaining. Why? Because I’m a baby myself and I hate when people around me wants to be babied like me. I guess that’s why I’m always picking a fight with my youngest nephew because he is such a baby and does all the things that only I am allowed to do-babying. Sigh...I know, I know...I’m shallow. I’m trying to grow it off.

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I was driving to work in a drizzle one day and saw a few people standing at the bus stop. They couldn’t sit because the seats are all wet and they are tugging their skirts and pants from the puddles of water on the ground. All that brought me back to the days when I was like them. Come rain or humid sun, I’ll be there, waiting for the bus, always in a restless mood. But I went through it day by day and I had no complaints.

During my bus days, I wake up at 5.30 am, cooked breakfast/lunch for my dad, started walking at 6.30 am to a bus stop at 1.5km away from my house and waited for the bus that was never on time. On top of that, I had to work with bosses with medical degrees and had very high expectations of me, even though I was only a temp clerk.

I wondered then, when I was in my car, staring at the people at the bus stop, how in the world did I survive what I survived back then, with me being a (self-proclaimed) baby. Not to say that what I went through was hugely super, some people have been through worse than I did. But it was my own battle-my bus-days, and I won it. I am proud and at the same time I’m praying that I won’t take everything I have now (that I haven’t had before) for granted. So even though I might be a baby to some people, when the time needs me to toughen up, toughen up I can, and will.
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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Shakened Heart

The tremble turned into whispers of fear
And suddenly the heart ponders for more
Hearing more than the soul can bear
I silent my senses sore

The plan was for you to always be
As we applaud your taking of another strike
By the lashers and the dense
By the bitter and the lame

Why is time being everything but kind
Why can’t its heavy hands weigh down the rushing tick
That sent the fate too soon
That asked him to hush that afternoon

They have sent you back
They have tucked you in
But the trembles continue
And the whispers prominent

You left them alone now
With their words not celebrated
By your yet again blunder
Or your yet again innocence

But the heart sores and will continue to
As I am reluctantly reminded
By your absence now and again
By your tale now and again
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Thursday, June 25, 2009

These Foolish Hands

How foolish were my hands
That they crave to be in yours
When I walked, when I shivered, when I wanted more than words

At night you hold me in your arms
To not lose me to my dreams, you said
You entertained my worries
You tolerated my carelessness

You always knew what to say, how to make me smile
In return, I caused you heartbreak and disappointment
But I have always loved you
I don’t know how not to

If I had to choose a Dad
I would choose you all over again
If there was another time
I’d choose to be there, with you

How foolish are my eyes now
For wanting to see you again
How foolish am I now
Feeling scared, needing to have my hands in yours.
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Friday, June 19, 2009

Untitled

There are times when she wished
Her heart was fuller than it is
And there are times when the wish comes true

And many a time in the nights
She asked God whether she was worthy of His givings
Of His permission to be happy and declare it

And then there are times
When too many broken promises made her ache in places
She didn’t know she had inside her

All that and many a time
She learned that what she finds isn’t always hers
And what she loses isn’t always lost

-December '08
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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Isn’t it just wonderful

Nothing beats the feeling of being in love, is there? When Matt Nathanson said, ‘If I could walk on water, if I could tell you what’s next, make you believe and make you forget’, he must be in love.

When it hurts to not be around him, when his silence is your sleepless night and when his touch brings 40 kinds of happiness, then you know you’re in love.

And then there’ll be times when you walk with every step remembering him, talk of everything that reminds you of him, and see the beauty in everything the day brings you, you’re in love.

And to finally know that you’re not alone anymore, that someone can actually love you for what makes you and forgives your past and takes you now, for the future, then suddenly the tantrums of the heart subside.

And to be able to look forward to tomorrow, just because you’d be spending it with him...

Isn’t it just wonderful
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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Praying To 'Win'

The first time I read this story was when I was 15, when I was still struggling to build my inner strength after my mother passed two years before. Wanting to be helpful, my very worried, eldest sister handed me a few books to comfort the soul. One of the many stories I read that stuck with me was this one, as its lesson I carry to this day. Enjoy.

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Title : Praying To 'Win'
Author : Unknown

My son Gilbert was eight years old and had been in Cub Scouts only a short time. During one of his meetings he was handed a sheet of paper, a block of wood and four tires and told to return home and give all to "dad."

That was not an easy task for Gilbert to do. Dad was not receptive to doing things with his son. But Gilbert tried.

Dad read the paper and scoffed at the idea of making a pine wood derby car with his young, eager son. The block of wood remained untouched as the weeks passed.

Finally, mom stepped in to see if I could figure this all out. The project began.

Having no carpentry skills, I decided it would be best if I simply read the directions and let Gilbert do the work. And he did. I read aloud the measurements, the rules of what we could do and what we couldn't do.

Within days his block of wood was turning into a pinewood derby car. A little lopsided, but looking great (at least through the eyes of mom).

Gilbert had not seen any of the other kids cars and was feeling pretty proud of his "Blue Lightning," the pride that comes with knowing you did something on your own.

Then the big night came. With his blue pinewood derby in his hand and pride in his heart we headed to the big race.

Once there my little one's pride turned to humility. Gilbert's car was obviously the only car made entirely on his own. All the other cars were a father-son partnership, with cool paint jobs and sleek body styles made for speed.

A few of the boys giggled as they looked at Gilbert's, lopsided, wobbly, unattractive vehicle. To add to the humility Gilbert was the only boy without a man at his side. A couple of the boys who were from single parent homes at least had an uncle or grandfather by their side, Gilbert had "mom."

As the race began it was done in elimination fashion. You kept racing as long as you were the winner. One by one the cars raced down the finely sanded ramp.

Finally it was between Gilbert and the sleekest, fastest looking car there. As the last race was about to begin, my wide eyed, shy eight year old ask if they could stop the race for a minute, because he wanted to pray. The race stopped.

Gilbert hit his knees clutching his funny looking block of wood between his hands. With a wrinkled brow he set to converse with God.

He prayed in earnest for a very long minute and a half. Then he stood, smile on his face and announced, "Okay, I am ready."

As the crowd cheered, a boy named Tommy stood with his father as their car sped down the ramp. Gilbert stood with God within his heart and watched his block of wood wobble down the ramp with surprisingly great speed and rushed over the finish line a fraction of a second before Tommy's car.

Gilbert leaped into the air with a loud "Thank you" as the crowd roared in approval.

The Scout Master came up to Gilbert with microphone in hand and asked the obvious question, "So you prayed to win, huh, Gilbert?"

To which my young son answered, "Oh, no sir. That wouldn't be fair to ask God to help you beat someone else. I just asked Him to make it so I don't cry when I lose."

Children seem to have a wisdom far beyond us. Gilbert didn't ask God to win the race, he didn't ask God to fix the outcome, Gilbert asked God to give him strength in the outcome.

When Gilbert first saw the other cars he didn't cry out to God, "No fair, they had a fathers help."

No, he went to God for strength.

Perhaps we spend too much of our prayer time asking God to rig the race, to make us number one, or too much time asking God to remove us from the struggle, when we should be seeking God's strength to get through the struggle.

Gilbert's simple prayer spoke volumes to those present that night. He never doubted that God would indeed answer his request. He didn't pray to win, thus hurt someone else, he prayed that God supply the grace to lose with dignity.

Gilbert, by his stopping the race to speak to God also showed the crowd that he wasn't there without a "dad," but God was most definitely there with him. Yes, Gilbert walked away a winner that night, with God at his side.
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Friday, May 15, 2009

The Unfair Universe

When I was growing up I had many instances when my mother would say, ‘Looks aren’t everything. Try to see the good in people, regardless their physical features’, things like that.

When I hit my teens, the theory found itself in my life. When my first boyfriend, the first guy not related to me, loved me and had affections for me (despite me being an ugly toad then), I was overwhelmed. I was 19 and we adored each other. I also had a close girlfriend, which I confided in, and shared stories with, about the love of my life then. From all the time I spent with my girlfriend talking to her about my boyfriend, it never crossed my mind that this girl was absolutely attractive. It also never crossed my mind that she would use her looks and all the stories I shared with her (about my boyfriend’s likes and dislikes) to get close to my boyfriend. It never also crossed my mind that she would flirt with him, and be the subject of his affection, which she did, which then left my heart broken in many pieces. The trauma I carry even now in my adult life. After that, the theory I wrote in stone.

Now, I tell my nephews the same thing too-‘When you are old enough to look for girls, don’t go after their looks. See what’s in their hearts first’.

And then it struck me-the theory is inaccurate. Not all good looking people are bad. Unfortunately, (for ugly people like me) there are many good looks out there with good hearts to boot. And it’s unfair to judge all the good looking people bad and ugly looking people good. I mean, look at me, I’m ugly and I can’t claim that I am a good person, either. There were un-good things I did.

I don’t know the reason I’m writing this. It just crossed my mind and i decided to record it at my blog, for future reference.

May 15th 2009-Ayu discovered that unfortunately, not all good looking people are bad. They are rare occasions when they are good inside and out. Meaning, I have a lot to worry about (since I’m not good looking inside and out). Meaning, the world is the world is a cruel world.
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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Reunion with the Old Self

When I received a text from a high school friend, I squirmed even before I even read the text. ‘What is it now,’ I thought. The last time I met her was two years back.

‘Hey, Ayu. You’re still using the same number? Just wanna let you know our friend from form 6 is getting married this weekend. You coming?’

A friend’s wedding. An old friend’s wedding.

Means there are many friends coming.
Means that I will be meeting friends I haven’t met for the past 8 years.
Means that many questions will be asked.
Means that I will be feeling insecure.
Means that I will freak out and bail.

I was reluctant to reply the text. The same hour, the texter called. I ignored.

That night, the texter texted me again, saying ‘Hey, I’ll be meeting other friends at the meeting point by 11am tomorrow. Be there, ok?’

I didn’t reply. I went to sleep without a decision.

The next morning I woke up and looked in my closet. ‘What the hell am I supposed to wear?’ I have gained weight and the people I’m gonna meet up at the meeting point are fab looking people, with big paycheques. Very unlike me’

I grabbed one of my raya kurungs, and got ready.

I met 3 more of my friends at the meeting point, all looking the same as they did when we went to school together. I was impressed on how time doesn’t really change anything. They succeeded in surprising me again when we started our conversation. The way they talked, the way they wear their attitudes are as the same as the old days.

I remembered then, when meeting with them that day, just how much I missed that-all of what makes them.

It also reminded me how I, now in my adult life, have evaded being the person I was as a teenager. I was carefree, I was spontaneous, I was spunky. Adult life has made me reserve a few of those traits, out of insecurity, which is surprisingly new-found.

My friends that day were being themselves, one of them a mother and another was a mom-to-be. Bur regardless of that, they are still refreshingly the same. I was back into being the teen I used to be after only a few minutes being with them, and I felt OK.

We arrived at the wedding and met our other friends. We chatted and guess what? Nothing changed! The weight issue, the bigger paycheque issue was drained away with every hug we shared. I don’t know whether any of them felt as insecure as I did before meeting up. Maybe they didn’t. But what I took back with me that day is the fact that I am me, and it’s OK to be just me.

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Friday, April 24, 2009

If I Can't Have You

Don't know why I'm surviving every lonely day
When there's got to be no chance for me

My life would end and it doesn't matter how I cry
My tears of love are a waste of time
If I turn away am I strong enough to see it through
Go crazy is what I will do

If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby





Thank you Mr. Lambert. Spot on.

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Friday, April 3, 2009

You Should Know

Well you should know that I wasn't listening
When you said you have to go
Because the song you sang to me
Was still ringing in my ears
When you left on my bed
That shirt I gave you
I hung it up in the closet for another Sunday
When you will need it again
And didn't I tell you to get that phone fixed
Because it seems to fail me every time
My friends ask me to sing happier songs now
Not the ones that remind me
Of you, of that thing they call love
Of that who are in love alone
Well you should know that I am not listening
When I told myself I will be okay
With options, with another you
Because that song you sang to me
Is still ringing in my ears
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

About That Thing We Feel

Many people fall in love.

I have, many times. I fell out of love, many times as well.

Many people marry, because of love. Or so they say.

In time, I discovered that love is almost always over-rated.

In time, I learned that marriage is almost always under-rated.

In time, I also discovered that you cannot necessarily love the person you have fallen for.

Love is a decision, not just a feeling. Decision to be with a particular person through anything reality can bring. Decision to tolerate, give, take, deserve and persevere. Definitely, it goes a longer way than the fairy tales bring you to; it goes farther than ‘living happily ever after’.

Many have become prey to the vindictive to the initial ‘fallen in love’ phase. They mould their lovers to become that of a fantasy character where wrongs will deserve severe, fatal punishments and happiness only defined by crappy love song dedications and number of stuffed toys received.

At this stage, you can easily get into a defensive mode when your partner turns up late for a date, or forgets an anniversary, or says ‘no’ to your petty qualms, keep in mind that commitment (marriage) gives you no room for that.

When you experience a tragedy, when you hit a wall, when one of you has cancer, and you still can see that person as the person you loved before, when you feel that the person you lie in bed with every night is worth your sacrifice, then you have the right to call what you experiencing is love. Ana maybe then you can have the right, to marry.

Now before you judge me for being cynical and sceptical about marriage, because I’m not anywhere near any kind of commitment to that of the opposite sex, I would like to stress here that I am not writing to condemn the institution of marriage. I’m writing because I was inspired by the many happy and sorry stories after the ‘I do’s’. Clearly, there are many responsibilities that the rings on your fingers carry. And not too long in the marriage is when most of them realize that the ‘I do’s’ are not always do-able. I am baffled, most of all, on how a piece of paper can change two people, for the worse.

‘If 40 years doesn’t get you to commit, I wonder what does’, Dr. Meredith Grey told her fellow surgeons. Her patient’s wife, who has been married to the patient for 40 years, confessed to Grey that not too many years ago, she started having an affair with another married man-who happens to be her best friend’s husband.

When Grey asked why, the cheating wife answered, ‘Have you ever been so in love, that you strip away pieces of yourself to adapt, and accommodate to a union, and eventually, long after that, you look up, and you wonder who you are exactly? That’s what I felt about my marriage to my husband. I love him. But I lost myself’.
So the cheating wife found herself, when she was with another guy. What does that mean? Does it mean that she has successfully found her old self-a selfish person who cheats on a guy she has vowed to commit 40 years ago? Was that the person she was looking for? Was that the ‘lost self’?

I am more than sure that 40 years of anything is old. And as old things go, there will be wear and tear. There’s only too much that a 40 year old thing can take. But that doesn’t give us the right to break a promise. Shouldn’t we at least consider, before we marry, that a ‘lifetime’ is a long way to go and that we are bound to hit some walls along the way? And because of that, we should promise to try not to bail, unless it is utterly impossible to bear? And to bail because ‘I have lost my sense of real self’ is irritably selfish. Didn’t she ever think that the husband might feel the same thing, but didn’t react on it the way she did?

It is hard, must be, to be unselfish. And marriage demands you to be just that. To replace ‘I’ with ‘we’. To give. To consider. To most of all, share. And in marriage, in time, you become either very good at sharing, or you can go another way around and change for the worse.

‘Don’t think too much of a marriage’, said a friend who has been married with two kids, when I asked if I were too paranoid and too analytical. ‘Don’t have too high an expectation on anything. Take it day by day’, she continued.

Don’t have high expectations. Dinner always on time, good laughs all around, abundant attention, continuing happiness, the ending of all life’s problems. Don’t have too high of expectations like those.

Another male friend of mine, a Chinese, said, ‘Marriage is work. But the companionship is irreplaceable. It makes it worth all the effort. Although I must admit, there are times when I took the companionship for granted, I’m only human. But I do appreciate it very much’

Commitment is not a torturous thing. I’m not implying that. Maybe it is rewarding, given that you keep to your promise, and understand that a lifetime is a long way to go.

‘Kalau rasa dah bersedia, kahwin aje. Jangan takut. Because takut or not, the challenges are the same, and they will come. No matter how much you prepare yourself, or how much you analyze before you marry, when the real challenges come, you will find yourself knowing nothing. But if you have love and the will to make it work, it will work. It’s not how much you know, but how much you are willing to do’, was a statement of another male friend.

:)

Maybe I am too analytical. And maybe I’m just a coward. Maybe there are too many bad examples of marriage around me. Maybe I’m just scared. Maybe I will make myself believe that I love a person so much that I am willing to spend my lifetime with him. Maybe I will forget what I say in this blog when I am married.

Maybe, many married individuals have felt and thought the same way I do right now, before they got married. Maybe they just think I’m trying to look smart. Maybe they think I’m a bit stuck up by admitting that I am stepping on more solid grounds than they are, by being analytical.

Maybe they are right.

Maybe I’ll comment this posting of mine after I get married. :)
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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Tries and Misses

Many tries and misses
And the modest hands of forgiveness
Though blistered and worn
Still welcome me in mourn

The day says it’s ok
When I give but do not receive
Puts me up, bare and square
Make me believe in many I cannot see

I shall sing to new songs now
The ones of blooms and yellow
My hair will soak up the sun and shine
The day will end without a goodbye

The stars wrote me in character
With hits and blows to weather
In time I shall not remember me
But the secrets I kept for a smile’s sake

But nonetheless, nonetheless
Clap and cheer for what life misses
For what makes me smile is not important
And my cries I simply can forget
Click Here to Read More..

Monday, February 9, 2009

Meeting The Good Boy

He was hesitant.

‘I’m not familiar with this,’ he said when I asked him out.

‘Well, we’re just gonna meet and chat, that’s all,’ I said.

‘OK, well then...please keep in mind that I’m not good looking and I might bore you. So, when we do meet, and if you feel uncomfortable with me, and you feel like leaving, you can just leave, I’d understand,’

Wow. Candor.

‘Ok then, we’ll meet at 5 tomorrow’

We talked some more that night until it was 6 AM.

That morning I woke up at Wiza’s place, around 11 AM, sleep deprived.

I grabbed my phone and texted The Good Boy-‘So confirm ek, kita jumpa at 5?

I sat beside the window and my thoughts were of my ex who has again intruded my life the past few days, with sorry stories of his married life. I was puzzled on how he expects me to address his problems. Should I say everything’s going to be OK, and that he’ll make it through, or should I go by my subliminal reaction to him getting married to someone else and blurt out ‘You should’ve known better than to marry her’. In the end, I decided, ‘Why should I care?’ It has been a year and I should have known better than to stay around.

My phone beeped. The Good Boy’s text read –‘Why are you so determined to meet me today?

Sigh. Determined? Not the correct word.

‘Kan I dah cakap. For fun’, was my reply. Determined..yeah right..I’m bored la. Nothing to it really. Perasan la mamat ni.

I walked to the shower and thought about the people or rather, men, I’m going to see today. One will be at 2 and the other at 5. Should it not have been for Wiza’s constant nudge and persuasion; I wouldn’t have considered the 2PM date. ‘I will go’, I said, ‘but you would have to come with me, it’s your idea’. She agreed.

Both Wiza and I arrived that the first date on time. He was still not there. And when he came, I was impressed. He was a clean, pleasant looking guy. We talked about books, swing, relationships and other casual hu-has.

Everything was well in the first 20 minutes, and then the disastrous part happened-boredom kicked in. His ramblings philosophies on life became too deep a discussion.
I nodded and blurted ‘uhuh’ whenever he pauses. Wiza, whether out of guilt or boredom, pardoned herself in the middle of the mundane conversation, to the ladies’, much to my disagreement. And boy, did she take a long time at the ladies. I was left like a helpless wounded little bird, attending to a one sided conversation. I gave Wiza a big stare when she finally got out of the ladies, about 20 minutes later. 20 minutes!

The time was slowly ticking to 3.30PM. I felt like i was sinking deeper into me seat while the ‘date’ talks, and Wiza paying attention to him, laughing at his jokes, out of courtesy, maybe. I grabbed my phone to make a call. It was rude, I guess, but I just wanted to leave!

I rang the first number in my recent call list, The Good Boy.

‘Hello’, he answered after a few rings. Thank God.

‘Hey. So...It’s on right? At 5?’ I said, looking at the clock

‘Yeah. Nanti you nak bertolak, gimme a call’

‘Ok, I will. See ya’

‘See ya, bye’

As I hung up, I realized that the conversation between Wiza and the gentlemen has already ended, and all eyes were on me. Just when I thought my presence was of no importance to them, they proved otherwise.

‘So you’re hot stuff eh?’, he choked to break the silence. ‘Another date I suppose?’

‘No lah. I’m meeting a friend’.

The bland conversation continued, without my participation. As we run out of things to say, and time to say them, I excused myself, blaming time for not being on our side.

‘Should we have more time, we would have many more things to talk about, I’m sure’, I said, as an attempt to conceal the awkwardness we experienced throughout the so called ‘date’.

We finally shook hands and said goodbye. I pledged to myself that I will never ever go out with this guy ever again.

The time was slightly after 4PM. Both Wiza and I rushed to Putrajaya for the next ‘date’.



November 2007. It was 9 in the evening and I was enjoying my bath when I heard my phone rang in the next room.

‘Must be my brother in law, wanting to confirm my arrival time tomorrow’

I got out from the bath, and ran to answer. True enough, it was a call from Malaysia.

‘Hello!’

‘Hi’, was the voice on the other end.

Darn. Not my Brother in law.

‘Siapa ni?’ I asked, out of despise.

‘Tak kenal ke?’

What is wrong with Malay men?

‘La, cakap je lah siapa..’

‘It’s me’, he said. Another typical ‘Malay men’ answer. And that triggered my anger.

‘Siapa?!’

He blurted out ‘The Good Boy’.


I simmered and hung up. No one of importance! And how dare he spoil my bath!



‘Ko kenal dia kat mana?’ Wiza asked, maybe after realizing I was quiet for a while.

‘Friendster. Dia OK, tapi pelik sket. Aku pun tak tau kenapa aku nak jumpa dia’

‘Ala, buat kawan tak salah’

Kawan? I wasn’t sure we are anything near kawan. We have nothing in common. He was just a ‘distraction’, if not anything else. And distraction is what I needed. Nevermind if it’s good or bad, I need something to occupy my mind, to replace thoughts that were of my ex.

‘Yelah, buat kawan..’


You kerja mana?’, he asked

Oh no, the dreaded question.

‘Are you still a secretary somewhere?’

‘I was a secretary to a hospital GM. I already left the place’.

‘I see, so where are you working at now?’

I felt weird. This person on the line with me was somebody I don’t really find comfort in talking to. And that feeling is mutual. So what is he trying to do now? Bond? I don’t like this.

‘Somewhere in Ampang’

‘Where at? Jalan Ampang?’

Sigh.

‘Yeah, somewhere there...’

‘Hmm...Gleneagles? Great Eastern?’

‘Great Eastern’

‘You drive to work? What kind of car do you drive?’

This is not happening. How much was he paid to stalk me?

‘Kenapa? Nak tolong bayar instalment ke?’

And we had many more conversations like that, and I started to find pleasure in talking to him.



‘Hello’

‘Hey The Good Boy. I dah bertolak. So I guess you can bertolak now, too.’

‘I dah on the way dah’

‘Oh, ok. You bawak tak pisau?’

‘Hehe. Bawak..’

‘Ok la, nanti I dah sampai, I’ll call you’

‘Ok, bye’


‘How can I be sure that you do not hold any bad intentions against me?’

‘Yeah, you’re right. You can never be sure...so tell you what; I’ll bring a knife for you when we meet’

‘Oh no. you’re a serial raper and killer?’

‘Haha, that knife’s for you to use against me, when you find me acting funny. And...you can sit at the back seat of my car, if that’ll make you feel safer. I won’t mind’

‘Ok, that’s a done deal’



We reached Putrajaya somewhere around 5. The butterflies in my stomach are not fluttering, and I wondered why. Could be good, could be bad. Grabbed my phone, and dialled his number.

‘Hello’, he said.

‘Hey. I’m already here. Where you?’

‘Er, I’ll be there in 10 minutes’

‘Ok, well, bila you sampai, call me ok?’

Wiza was baffled on why she couldn’t join the ‘meeting’.

‘Dia pemalu sangat ke?’

‘Entahla Wiza. Dia kata ko tak leh join. Pemalu ke, kerek ke, antara dua tu lah’

‘Ala, aku dah kahwin la. Takkan nye aku nak ngorat dia’

‘Entah dia. Lain kali je la ek’

We strolled around and when my feet started to ache, he finally called.

‘Hi. I dah parking. I dah kat nak naik ni. You kat mana?’

‘Ok’, now the butterflies are kicking in. Damn it. I was doing so well before!

‘I kat depan Watson’s. I pakai baju hitam, skirt coklat. You cari lah perempuan paling geeeeeemuk kat depan Watson’s ni, and that’s me’

‘Haha. Ok’


A few minutes passed by and I become more agitated when he still hasn’t appeared.
Did he see me from afar and backed out? Am I THAT fat? That moron!

My phone rang.

‘You kat mana?’

‘Depan Watson’s ni, baju hitam’

‘Oh I see you’

He sees me? Omigod. It means it’s too late for me to run away? Tell me why am I doing this again?

I looked around and I saw this guy. He looked like The Good Boy.

From afar, I saw his lips saying ‘Ayu ek?’

I nodded.

He came to us.

‘Hi’ I said, shaking his hand. Lembut nye tangan. Biar betul mamat ni.

‘Hi’, he said. His eyes quickly moved to at Wiza.

‘This is my friend, Wiza. Wiza, this is The Good Boy’. They shook hands.

Seeing the slight resentment in his eyes, I quipped , ‘Wiza hantar I kat sini je and temankan I sampai you datang’

‘Oh ok’


So after I bid farewell to Wiza, I find myself in an awkward situation.

‘Er, where do you wanna go?’, I asked.

‘I don’t know. I’ve never been here before’

‘You dah makan?’

‘Dah. You nak makan ke?’

‘No lah, I pun baru lepas makan’

‘Ok, kita pergi minum then’


So we went to the cafe downstairs. We chatted about not too many things, that I remember. We went to his car after deciding that we wanted to stroll around and see Putrajaya at night.

‘Wow. Blue car’

‘Hehe, I washed it just because I wanted to see you today’

‘Nice to know. Should I sit at the front seat or back?’

‘Up to you’

‘Um, did you bring the knife?’

‘I didn’t’

I sat beside him in the car. We went for the stroll and went to see the bridge.

‘Pinjam selipar. My heels are killing me’, I said, tanpa segan silu.

‘Er, I have these very old pair of slippers. Hope you won’t mind’

He handed me these, indeed, very old slippers. They were ragged. Abused. His past relationship might have sucked a lot that he found consolation in savaging these slippers, I thought.

As if he read my mind, or he saw the frown on my face looking at them, he said ‘Sorry la..selipar ni dah 3 tahun I pakai, gi sembahyang and everywhere else’

‘Right, gi sembahyang Jumaat memang kene bawak selipar hodoh-hodoh cam ni. Orang nak curi pon tak sampai hati’


We went out of the car to the bridge. We talked about nothing of importance or interesting, I guess. He lit his cigarette and it started to drizzle instantaneously. Bad sign. We ran back to the car, this time, not knowing where to go.

It was already dark and I was already hungry.

‘Nak makan?’ he asked.

‘Nak. Kita makan kat Kajang je lah, since you dah nak hantar I sana’

‘Ok.’

So we sped off to Kajang. We ate at a mamak. We talked about many things, most of them I do not remember.

We talked about his ex, my exes, work, the other usual hu-has.

The time was a few minutes after midnight when we decided to call it a night. He sent me to his car and we said goodbye.


As I wanted to leave the place, I realized that I left my stuff in his car. Shit. I dialled him, frantic.
‘Hello, I left my stuff in your car’

‘What stuff?’

‘My bag of clothes. It’s at your backseat’

‘Oh..well..I’m already half way home. Can I give it to you some other time? Next time we meet?’
Next time we meet? There’ll be a next time? And when is that? Do I trust him enough to leave my bag of clothes, including my lingerie with him? Until I meet him like, next month? No!

‘Erm..no. I think you have to send it back here, now. I need it’

‘What? I can’t turn back now’

‘Please...I tunggu you jat tempat kita makan tadi’

‘Sigh. Ok lah’, and he hung up.

He arrived in about 15 minutes later, knocked on my car window and handed me the bag. My thanks was replied by silence.

With that, he left. On a bad note, must be.

It was January 20th, 2008, a Sunday. I could’ve done so many other things to while time away. But I decided to meet him.

And it was the best decision I made that year.

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Saturday, January 31, 2009

-Untitled-

Cintalah jika ada
Mungkin bukan aku
Berilah apa yang mampu
Pada yang tak pergi dan hilang

Rasalah apa yang dia rasa
Fahamlah ikhlas dan marahnya
Larilah asal tak terlalu jauh
Pulang bila hati memanggil

Ceritalah segalanya di hati
Bukan untuk difaham
Cuma untuk didengar
Oleh dunia, dia, atau keduanya

Adakan percaya dalam hati
Hilangkan sangkal dalam fikir
Cari bukan selalu berjumpa
Beri bukan selalu diterima

Cintalah jika ada
Cintalah jika bukan aku

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Monday, January 19, 2009

Warts and All

I will remember your thoughtfulness
In days when I crave a decent hello
And a warm hug to shrug my fears
You came and gave me all that and more

I will always remember
How you can effortlessly make me smile
And how your absence of words or being
Can make me lose the skip in my steps

I will remember you, your humour
That amuses the child in me
The way you befriended me
When the world was making me its enemy

I will remember us
And how much we can give relentlessly
How well we can understand us
And how forgiving we can be

I will remember me
Finding only pleasure in us
Feeling worthwhile and grateful
With the friendship you gave me

Should any of us go away, in time
To take up life's decided paths
I will always remember you, as you are now
And I love you, warts and all

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Friday, January 16, 2009

Pink and Satin Dreams

That word or two were playing in my mind
They swirl and twirl
In luscious pink and satin
And change in every of my sleep
The words were not many
The words were all I have
And as their novelty lasts only a dream or two
My incandescent hope sings not the same song
And when I wake up between my sleeps
I find myself dreaming still
And the words will always murmur
Unconscious but sublime
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Thursday, January 15, 2009

Down Memory Lane

The ringing of the phone always made my heart skipped a beat, and I hoped so much that the person calling me was him.

He was just average, but maybe that’s why I liked him so much. He didn’t try-his charm was effortless.

‘Hey, you asleep?’

That’s it, that’s all I want to hear, his voice. Even if I was asleep, I wouldn’t be the second he called.

Did he know?

‘No, I’m not,’

‘I had troubles with my mom today,’

And I know exactly why. And I felt so hopeless.

-----------------

‘You know when you care for someone; you want that person to be happy, not out of obligation, but because you just
want to. Because making that person happy suddenly makes you feel happy. I want that for you,’

Of course. I felt the same for him. But did he know?

-----------------

I had a terrible time with my boss that day.

‘It’ll be ok tomorrow, trust me,’ he said.

And sure enough, it was all ok, just like he said.

‘My boss didn’t become such a bitch as he did yesterday, just like you said. I love you!’

Silence.

‘Why won’t you say you love me too?’

Silence.

But what he said after that I remembered.

‘Because words are not enough. Because you deserve more that what I can give you now. Because it’s unfair to you,’

He never fails to tell me that every time I asked.

And I asked many times

I didn’t comprehend then, but I do now. But does he know?

Source: My old ones
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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Once

They came and left
But I was hurt, only once
He said so many
But I listened, only once-when he said ‘Goodbye’
I gave up so much
But I regret, only once-when I gave me away
I smiled for long
But I was happy, only once
I cried for long
But I suffered, only once
I was taught about life
But I learned, only once-when I shared it with him
I spoke words of such
But I meant it, only once-when I said I love him
I find the flaws in him many times
But I was hesitant, not even once
I loved so much
And I was loved too, only once

Source : My old ones
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Discovering Me

I can hear my heartbeat only when I’m alone
I understand the meaning of love when I’m betrayed
I recognize the hero in me only when I cry
I know where I belong when I have strayed
I gain bravery through their many deceptions
I learn truth from reality’s hits and blows
I see myself when there is no one beside me
I understand sorrow when I’m utmost happy
I can sleep soundly only after my tears run dry
I achieve contentment by accepting my flaws
I understand God when He puts me in places I resent being
I see the gem in my friends when I am trapped in the dark
I find pleasure in humility in when someone is in need of me
I love, not because I’m lonely, but because it is rare
I discover me now, not to retaliate, but because it was lost
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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Tapi Aku Ada Jiwa

Aku ini, lupa
Tentang maksud dan garisan
Yang dulu aku tahu dan patuh

Aku ini, hilang
Antara dulu dan sekarang
Kerana nafsuku adalah suluhku

Aku ini, jahil
Aku mencari tapi sesat
Aku percaya tapi buta

Aku ini, sakit
Kerana sungkurku tak berbelai
Kerana jatuhku tak bersambut

Aku ini, takut
Pada tangan dan hati
Yang selalu memukul sedarku

Tapi aku ini juga, jiwa
Yang menyedarkan lupa
Yang mencari bila hilang
Yang mengisi jahil
Yang memberi bila sakit
Yang meneman bila takut

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud

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