Random Ramblings

I don’t understand the relevance of acting the opposite way you feel, particularly when you’re feeling sad. Like a song suggested: ‘Smile through your heart is aching, smile, even though it’s breaking’. Why torture yourself? I have tried and failed.
I somehow cannot force my facial muscles to form a smile when my eyes are getting teary. Nature has decided that a teary eye goes together with a pout or a frown, not a smile. Maybe what the songs suggests is for us to stay positive throughout the struggles in our lives. Well, we will, as soon as we have dried up our tears and gain rationality, which may take from an hour to 3 days.

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I went out for lunch with my officemates, who are all male yesterday. Then, in the middle of our meal, we were joined by two other men, one a driver and one (later I learned) a lab assistant whom I have never met before. The assistant came and sat next to me, with guess what? -A breast silicone. In his hands. ‘Look’, he said, holding it up for the table to see. And see was what the table did. ‘This is a breast implant. There was an actress who came by our hospital yesterday and had this silicone implanted’, he said. My friends started asking questions about the silicone and the actress and then a few jokes were exchanged. I listened but did not find anything amusing. I thought the only thing worth laughing at is this assistant who actually held the silicone in his hands even to lunch, just to show it around. A true attention seeker and pervert indeed. Either those or he is just a plain idiot looking for a few minutes of fame.

I continued my lunch and became very quiet. The assistant started squeezing and playing with the silicone in his hand. And then I gave him the look. And he shot back, ‘Eh, there’s a lady here and she’s mad about this’, hoping that the table replied to his statement with a few laughs or giggles, but he was only disappointed when my friends only kept quiet. He kept playing with the silicone all through lunch and desert.

I was baffled by this assistant’s behaviour. Why did he carry that silicone around? Firstly, it belongs to the hospital. Secondly, don’t you look stupid carrying it around? Or maybe he thought that looking stupid is nothing compared to the fame he gets when people start asking questions about the silicone and the sizzling details about the actress who had them implanted the day before. No one can get shallower than that

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I hate people with baby-like manner. The sulking, the tantrums, the I-want-what-I-want-and-I-want-it-now attitude and the constant nagging/complaining. Why? Because I’m a baby myself and I hate when people around me wants to be babied like me. I guess that’s why I’m always picking a fight with my youngest nephew because he is such a baby and does all the things that only I am allowed to do-babying. Sigh...I know, I know...I’m shallow. I’m trying to grow it off.

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I was driving to work in a drizzle one day and saw a few people standing at the bus stop. They couldn’t sit because the seats are all wet and they are tugging their skirts and pants from the puddles of water on the ground. All that brought me back to the days when I was like them. Come rain or humid sun, I’ll be there, waiting for the bus, always in a restless mood. But I went through it day by day and I had no complaints.

During my bus days, I wake up at 5.30 am, cooked breakfast/lunch for my dad, started walking at 6.30 am to a bus stop at 1.5km away from my house and waited for the bus that was never on time. On top of that, I had to work with bosses with medical degrees and had very high expectations of me, even though I was only a temp clerk.

I wondered then, when I was in my car, staring at the people at the bus stop, how in the world did I survive what I survived back then, with me being a (self-proclaimed) baby. Not to say that what I went through was hugely super, some people have been through worse than I did. But it was my own battle-my bus-days, and I won it. I am proud and at the same time I’m praying that I won’t take everything I have now (that I haven’t had before) for granted. So even though I might be a baby to some people, when the time needs me to toughen up, toughen up I can, and will.