About Going On

When Papa passed away, many have been robbed away from me-love, attention and responsibilities. Losing Mama at a young age has taught me to deal with pain and forced independency. Losing Papa in my adult life taught me how to deal with losing things you take for granted, things that you thought would be there all the time. I lost the home when Papa left, as well as the memories wrapped around it.

The hardest part of losing your parents is when, during your silent nights alone, you think of how much more you could’ve done for them, how many times more you should have said ‘I love you’ and whether you have done enough for them to feel the slightest pride in calling you their child. And during the holidays are the times you wish they were there to just sit beside you and call your name in their laughs and giggles. Also when you did well at school or at work and you smile from ear to ear, you wish that your parents we there for the pat on the back, the high fives and the ‘Well done!’s. And of course, when your heart is broken, all you want is for them to just be there, no comfort words needed, but just be there, for a hug. And when you realize they are not there to hold, you plead and beg that they didn’t leave you in the first place.

All that, and yet you will still find the strength in yourself to go through every single day. It is amazing what the heart can carry, it can bear a lot.

So I go on, as I am, as Mama would have wanted me to, I go on. As far as I can, Ma. And when I can’t, it will be just a night of tears and no more. The next day, I will go on. Until it breaks me again, I promise I’ll go on.

(Al-Fatihah to my parents, Hayati Ariffin and Mahmud Simin)