Discovering Me

I can hear my heartbeat only when I’m alone
I understand the meaning of love when I’m betrayed
I recognize the hero in me only when I cry
I know where I belong when I have strayed
I gain bravery through their many deceptions
I learn truth from reality’s hits and blows
I see myself when there is no one beside me
I understand sorrow when I’m utmost happy
I can sleep soundly only after my tears run dry
I achieve contentment by accepting my flaws
I understand God when He puts me in places I resent being
I see the gem in my friends when I am trapped in the dark
I find pleasure in humility in when someone is in need of me
I love, not because I’m lonely, but because it is rare
I discover me now, not to retaliate, but because it was lost
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Tapi Aku Ada Jiwa

Aku ini, lupa
Tentang maksud dan garisan
Yang dulu aku tahu dan patuh

Aku ini, hilang
Antara dulu dan sekarang
Kerana nafsuku adalah suluhku

Aku ini, jahil
Aku mencari tapi sesat
Aku percaya tapi buta

Aku ini, sakit
Kerana sungkurku tak berbelai
Kerana jatuhku tak bersambut

Aku ini, takut
Pada tangan dan hati
Yang selalu memukul sedarku

Tapi aku ini juga, jiwa
Yang menyedarkan lupa
Yang mencari bila hilang
Yang mengisi jahil
Yang memberi bila sakit
Yang meneman bila takut

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud

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The Journey

The little girl follows in excitement
‘Don’t worry now, hold my hand’, said the mother
Her steps are swift, her smile abiding
Her hand clenching her mother’s, tight

‘But I am tired, Mother, the journey is so long,’
‘Open you eyes and enjoy the journey, I’m right beside you’
Journeys will always end, do not worry
They end when you are where your heart desires to be

And along the way, Mother tells the little girl stories
Of life, love and God
Until they reach a journey’s end
In a place of which is unfamiliar to the little girl

‘My journey ends here, love. This is where we part. I will stay here from now on’
As their hands part, the little girl wept
‘Go on, find your way, girl. I won’t hold your hand but I will be there with you’
The little girl was left there alone, her tears dried up by the wind

The girl finds herself on the road again
This time with no one to hold her hand
The bumps on the road are long forgotten
Her destination unknown

And sometimes in those long cold night
The little girl sees her Mother smiling in her dreams
Telling her that the weather tomorrow
Will be fine for walking the journey

So the little girl continues walking her journey
Maybe with holes in her shoes, but never in her heart
Fate stole her Mother away, it didn’t steal her love
She walks alone now, to that place where her heart desires to be

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud


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Growing Pains

There are times when she wished
Her heart was fuller than it is
And there are times when the wish comes true
And many a time in the nights
She asked God whether she was worthy of His givings

And then there are times
When she goes through to many broken promises
That makes her ache in places
She didn’t know she had inside of her
And she gives away more than she can
To make up for the losses that shouldn’t be

And then, with her own will, in her own time, she will realize
That a full heart is not always resistant
And that aches inside of her are only growing pains
That will happen perpetually
And an escape from it is impossible

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud

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...

I took uselessness to another level when I answered these Q's
1.Your name spelled backwards.
Uya. Actually that’s the name of one of my closest friends in highschool.
2. Where were your parents born?
Singapore and Kuala Kelawang
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
QuickTime Player and iTunes, thanks to the many junk mails I received.
4. What's your favourite restaurant?
Sigh. Anything with crispy potatoes and spicy chicken will make my any day a happy day.
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Er...when I was 9. I have a photo of it, me in a red swimsuit.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yes, as Hang Kasturi in Puteri Gunung Ledang play, 1998
7. How many kids do you want?
More than 1 only if I will get sponsored for breast augmentation and butt lifting surgery post delivery.
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Anything with shouting in it. I’ve mellowed.
9. Are you registered to vote?
With shame I admit, no.
10. Are you homesick?
If he is home, then I’m homesick.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
A what?
12. Ever prank call anybody?
Oooh..want a list?
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Yup. Got it, dumped it.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Depends on who I wanna impress.
15. Furthest place you ever travelled?
In my mind..an Island I called my own. I got my own little wooden house on it, surrounded by nothing but nature. I keep my toyboy in that house. :D
16. Do you have a garden?
Used to.
17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Baby Blues.
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Sigh.. That’s like asking ‘Do you know how to pee?’ Of course la.
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Baths on sad nights, showers on every other day
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Madagascar 2
21. Favorite pizza topping?
Thick, melting, sexy cheese
22. Chips or popcorn?
Chips
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Nude with thick mascara, pink with bare face
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
What? Who invented these questions?
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Yes. I’ve won many times.
26. Orange or Apple juice?
Milk
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
The good boy, mamak
28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Hazelnut
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
I didn’t register, remember?
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
I haven’t had a homegrown anything for a while
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes, in kindergarten. I was so cute; they HAD to give me one.
32. Are you a good cook?
Yes. No fatalities yet.
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
I have forgotten how, as the Banglas at the stations always do it for me.
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
Nope.
35. Sprite or 7-up?
Sprite.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Is this a trick question? Why do I have a feeling that the person who invented these questions is stalking me?
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Ahah! You are stalking me. How did you know I went to the pharmacy eh?
38. Ever throw up in public?
That was not me, I swear.
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
True love exists?
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, God knows I do. It ain’t easy.
41. Ever call a 1-800 number?
Yup. Can’t remember why, though.
42. Can exes be friends?
Yes, with benefits.
43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
My friend who gave birth
44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
Yes. Why is it important to know THAT?
45. What message is on your answering machine?
I don’t have an answering machine.
46. What's your all time favourite cartoon character?
ANY superheroes in spandex.
47. What was the name of your first pet?
Pets-Elizabeth and Margaret, stray cats. I had nothing to do with the name choosing. It was my sister's alter ego, which was an English lady.
48. What is in your purse?
Keys, purse, coin purse, compact powder, mascara, lipstick, lip gloss, blusher, small hairbrush, pen drive, my name cards, sanitary pad.
49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Pintal rambut and cium bantal busuk.
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
That I can answer 50 useless questions.
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How I Am Me

I was insecure when I was a child. I am still insecure now. The reasons are many, I suppose, but I can’t pull out a single one. But there is one thing I remember...

When I was a child, I was quite a tomboy. I have many friends; most of them were boys, by choice. I was not cruel, I was just hard-on other people, on my friends, on myself. I rebelled my mother’s expectation for me to become more of a girl, to suit my name, Ayu. (Ayu means beautiful, graceful, charming). I have failed to live up to the demands that my name carry, much to, of course, Mama’s disappointment. I’ve always felt that she was in the wrong, as she was the one who chose that name for me, I didn’t. So I felt that it was unfair that she ‘blamed’ me for running around with the boys, preferring pants to skirts, having bruises on my knees or riding on my bike too often, back then.

But I was not a bad girl. I went to ‘mengaji’ classes, I helped her with the dishes, set the table for dinner, and I sometimes did the laundry for her, too.

But then comes the days when I come home with bruises on my knees after playing ‘keja-kejar’ with the boys, when I hear her say ‘Siapa la yang nak kat kau ni nanti, kasar sangat. Girls shouldn’t act like this’. What she said didn’t make me change my ways, if that was what she had hoped for. It made to decide to remain the way I was, the way I enjoyed being. I didn’t discard what she said either; I keep it deep inside me. Her words followed me subconsciously thoughout my teens, after she has passed away, and I carry it with me now, in my adult life. And I regard this as one of the reasons behind my insecurity. If my mother cannot accept me for who I am, then how can, or why should anybody else?

Knowing that I will always be rejected turned me into a defensive person. A very defensive person. I reject people before they reject me. If a person shows the slightest trace of anger, or dissatisfaction in me, I will make sure I’m the one who gets angry first and cuts that person off. Because I do not want to hear another ‘You’re not as Ayu as I thought you would be’ , as I will remember it for a long time and it will bring me back to the days when I had short hair and my mother disapproving many of my actions.

I studied hard, I helped around the house, but I’m a tomboy, so I am always to be rejected? I have short hair, I wear pants, but my name is Ayu, so I’m a bad person?

So I’m not a girl’s girl, but how can I be judged for being the way I am?

And as a result of being judged at a young age, I also find myself time and time again being emotional and easily offended-sometimes over nothing at all. I am ashamed to say that I cannot take criticism very well. Criticism has always made me feel pushed to a corner, where I will curl up and feel sorry for myself. And I don’t like it.

Maybe I shouldn’t blame Mama. She was just worried for me, for what I will turn out to be. But I think she could’ve done better in getting her point across. Instead of motivating me, she broke my heart.

I am writing this not to point a finger to anyone. If there is a person to blame, then it shall be me. I’m just writing this tell the reason behind my ways. And the reason is- I am just me.
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Their Goodbye

They said they have run out of me
They said that my offerings do not entice
Or accommodate
Anymore

They said they have given me up
They said that they are moving on, so I should, too
As they’ve run out of space
To spare me

They said they’d see me around
They said I will have good luck
For my coming moments
And that they’d be happy for me

They said they were sorry
They said that they didn’t mean to hurt me
As if all they can see now, in me
Is hurt

They said I was a nice person to know
They said thank you
Thank you for being the entertainer that I was
And for offering them good times

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud

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