The Past Should Just Stay There

I really do not like to remember my years of living when I was teenager. Everything that reminds me of it-movies, friends, locations and even mere mentions of anything from those years make me sad and sometimes cringe.

I viewed my life then as a big, black hole, I lived for the moment, didn’t take anything with me to remember. I guess that explains why I don’t remember most of my high school friends, things that happened. I also didn’t of course remember the ‘joy’ of being a teenager, if there was any that I experienced.

I heard a song recently, one I haven’t heard since I was 16 maybe and I felt sucked back into that black hole that I don’t like to be associated with anymore.

The main reason for this is the passing of my mother and how I never managed to get over it. Also, I was being a student as well as being a teenager with the responsibilities of an adult. I was never good at either of these. I disappointed myself and my family and really, it’s stress that I didn’t have to deal with, being so young at the time. I realized that only now.

I don’t know whether I was being hard on myself or maybe I was supposed to be better. I felt like I had feet too small.

But now I know the shoes were too big. How I wish I can go back and tell myself I’m ok, there’s nothing wrong with me. Create priceless memories. Love yourself. Love your friends your family.

I don’t like what I’ve been through and it’s a constant struggle for me to get over it.