My Motivation

I got myself together one weekend and asked myself do I want to carry this fat body around forever. I used to be an M, now er...no more M.

I was glancing through photos of mine taken during my birthday celebration when I realized I was overweight. How could I ever think that I looked ok? Well thanks to very loving friends who accepted me for who I am and appreciated my company regardless of my ass size, that’s why..(I love you guys!). Also, because I didn’t have a full size mirror in my room. Sigh.

And then there was another day when I was glancing through my old Uni photos and photos when I was dating my ex, 4 years back, when I realized I looked good. I looked extremely hot. And I was determined to get the body back simply because I feel I am worthy of it. And I’m tired of going shopping and getting disappointed in the dressing room.  To all designers/boutiques out there..what’s with the small sized clothes oi? You think fat people cannot afford to buy your designs because we spend most of our money on food? Well guess what..we can afford BOTH food and expensive clothes, you freak! But then again, thank you for the motivation.

I started working out again, with myself in my mind, thinking that I owe myself a good health and a good looking body. I got a full size mirror, new running shoes and a scale. I was also thinking about the fact that I will be turning 30 in 3 years and if I stay fat, I ‘d never get the chance to say ‘I was once young and sizzling hot’ when I reach mid 30’s. Sigh. It's been 6 weeks now since I started working out and I am pleased with the result. My body is slowly shedding the weight off. I need another 6 months to a year until I can get back my Uni-day body. But I will!

So for those wanting to shed weight but lack motivation, think of you, think of yourself. Do it for your own good, not for a guy/girl you want to impress, because you mean more than anybody else. Think about matching that wonderful personality of yours with a good looking body. Think also about the all clothes you can wear! You deserve it!

Note : Oh yeah, another tip-announce to the world that you are in the midst of losing weight, so that the thought of the world laughing you off should you fail, keeps playing in your mind as motivation.
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August

I lost you to August
It is disturbing, the wind
Blowing you away from me
Swirling, twirling you away from me

The heart finally stopped longing
And I find myself crawling back to a place
Where I have nothing to lose, everything to gain
Where I belong

I can still hear the wind even here in my corner
It swifts and dance with a smile
With you in its hands
With its whispers in my ears

It is cold here
But it is familiar, the sight, the nothingness
I let the wind dance and sing, perpetually
And I surrender to it, it wins

I sit here, my heart cannot break
As I do not have one anymore

I lost you to August
You, whom I have never had
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I was reminded of Mama when I was having a conversation with a relative who is currently staying with us here. The relative, a 68 year old lady whom I call nenek, is here with her husband who is seeking treatment at a nearby hospital.

It seems that her husband, whom I call atok, has a major tumour on his arm, which they are afraid of being cancerous. I told the lady, ‘My mum showed me how a cancer tumour looks and feels like. It is something that grows under the skin and is not bumpy like atok's’.

She replied, ‘Poor thing..who is taking care of your parents’ house now?’ and then the conversation continued about the house, my parents, me. I got teary eyed and excused myself. I went to my room and sobbed. I hate this feeling. The fact that I am reminded that they are gone. And that I have no one. I call the lady nenek, but she is not blood related to me. She is someone else’s nenek.

I live with my sister now and yes I call her home my home too. But in fact, it isn’t. There will be a day that I shall leave this home; I cannot stay here forever. But then where do I go? I have nothing. I have nobody. Click Here to Read More..

Random Ramblings 3

I started wearing sunnies during my outdoor workout sessions recently to avoid the sun and to avoid being seen by people I do not want to meet (happened a lot lately). The funny thing (which later I thought was annoying) is the fact that I get more stares when wearing them than the time I do not have them on.

Wearing sunnies during the outdoor workout session is not something bizarre, as many of the runners/joggers have them on. So I didn’t think people stared at me because they thought wearing sunnies were trying too hard. You see, when they stare, they stare me in the eyes. They think that just because they cannot see my eyes, I too cannot see them. Well boohoo..I can. And this keeps happening time and time again. What is the urge, people? To try and look into the eyes of people wearing sunnies? What is the urge? Don’t you know that we can see you? Oh yeah WE CAN! I can’t help but think it is just pure *cough* stupidity.

A colleague of mine who is 22 has been dating a 27 year old girl from another department. Yes we were shocked when they hooked up, and yes, we are shocked that they are still going strong. Maybe it is meant to be. Now, it hasn’t bothered me before, the fact that they are dating, until recently. The boy (who reports to my boss) SMSed my boss one Monday morning. The SMS read ‘I am unable to come to work as my girlfriend’s sister is sick. She may have to be admitted in a hospital in Muar and my girlfriend and I are on the way there to send her to the hospital’. Yup. He took emergency leave because the girlfriend’s sister MIGHT be sick at another part of the country. For your information, the sister is living with her parents and I am sure, more than sure that she can be well taken care of by the family, not a family member’s boyfriend. I am not annoyed over the fact that the 22 year old is lying to avoid work, because he is not. I’m annoyed that it is the truth. He did go to Muar, to show how much of a hero he is-to someone not even related to him yet. I can imagine the girl’s plea, ‘If you love me, you better get my sister to the hospital’. Sigh.

People have been asking when I’m going to get married, more often than before. ‘Can you get married before I turn 42?’, asked my 41 year old sis. Next year? Yeah right. ‘My friends at the office have been asking about you’, she continued. People from her office? Who’s gonna ask her the question next? Her boss? Random people in the public? Sigh.

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