I was insecure when I was a child. I am still insecure now. The reasons are many, I suppose, but I can’t pull out a single one. But there is one thing I remember...
When I was a child, I was quite a tomboy. I have many friends; most of them were boys, by choice. I was not cruel, I was just hard-on other people, on my friends, on myself. I rebelled my mother’s expectation for me to become more of a girl, to suit my name, Ayu. (Ayu means beautiful, graceful, charming). I have failed to live up to the demands that my name carry, much to, of course, Mama’s disappointment. I’ve always felt that she was in the wrong, as she was the one who chose that name for me, I didn’t. So I felt that it was unfair that she ‘blamed’ me for running around with the boys, preferring pants to skirts, having bruises on my knees or riding on my bike too often, back then.
But I was not a bad girl. I went to ‘mengaji’ classes, I helped her with the dishes, set the table for dinner, and I sometimes did the laundry for her, too.
But then comes the days when I come home with bruises on my knees after playing ‘keja-kejar’ with the boys, when I hear her say ‘Siapa la yang nak kat kau ni nanti, kasar sangat. Girls shouldn’t act like this’. What she said didn’t make me change my ways, if that was what she had hoped for. It made to decide to remain the way I was, the way I enjoyed being. I didn’t discard what she said either; I keep it deep inside me. Her words followed me subconsciously thoughout my teens, after she has passed away, and I carry it with me now, in my adult life. And I regard this as one of the reasons behind my insecurity. If my mother cannot accept me for who I am, then how can, or why should anybody else?
Knowing that I will always be rejected turned me into a defensive person. A very defensive person. I reject people before they reject me. If a person shows the slightest trace of anger, or dissatisfaction in me, I will make sure I’m the one who gets angry first and cuts that person off. Because I do not want to hear another ‘You’re not as Ayu as I thought you would be’ , as I will remember it for a long time and it will bring me back to the days when I had short hair and my mother disapproving many of my actions.
I studied hard, I helped around the house, but I’m a tomboy, so I am always to be rejected? I have short hair, I wear pants, but my name is Ayu, so I’m a bad person?
So I’m not a girl’s girl, but how can I be judged for being the way I am?
And as a result of being judged at a young age, I also find myself time and time again being emotional and easily offended-sometimes over nothing at all. I am ashamed to say that I cannot take criticism very well. Criticism has always made me feel pushed to a corner, where I will curl up and feel sorry for myself. And I don’t like it.
Maybe I shouldn’t blame Mama. She was just worried for me, for what I will turn out to be. But I think she could’ve done better in getting her point across. Instead of motivating me, she broke my heart.
I am writing this not to point a finger to anyone. If there is a person to blame, then it shall be me. I’m just writing this tell the reason behind my ways. And the reason is- I am just me.
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