To: Kak Angah, 115 Gurney St., Dunedin, New Zealand

31st January 1995
Well, it’s been months since you’re gone and rase macam rase macam lambat sangat masa berlalu. Gong Xi Fa Choy. Banyak la cerita Cina kat TV ni. Boring betul. Eh esok puasa. Dah habis ganti ke?

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1st February 1995
Sakit perut la puasa ni

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2nd February 1995
Right now I’m writing to you at 11:18 am in the morning. It’s been a while since we heard from you, Mom and Dad are disappointed. If you have any problems, please tell us. Jangan simpan takut jadi parah. Ataupun Angah takde duit stamp? Maybe itu salah satu masalahnya juga. OK lah, Angah nak tau tak, sejak kebelakangan ni, Ayu ke surau untuk sembahyang tarawih, kadang-kadang 20, kadang-kadang 8 je.

Anyway, Raya Puasa will not be the same without you. It will be sad and pretty boring without you around. I miss you a lot.

Angah, even though I selalu quarrel dengan you, I still love you as my sister. Call la reverse charge kalau takde duit.

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Another aerogram ......

7th February 1995
7:00 pm sharp
Haven’t had a phone call from you since so long. Mama was worried that you might have forgotten us. (Betul ke grammar ni?) So how’s life? Or should I call it studies?? For me, boleh lah, exam is coming up next week. Please pray for me.
7:10 pm

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8th February 1995
10:57 pm
I have a joke to tell you...I don’t have a joke to tell..hahaha...I kena buat banyak homework tau. Busy. Sejak Angah pergi Ayu dah takde mood dah nak dengar radio or anything I used to do when you were here. Anyway, jangan lupe hantar gambar kat Berita Harian ade segmen Salam Dari Seberang untuk raye.

I want to give you a birthday present tapi takde duit lagi. Tapi kalau Ayu hantar lepas Raya mesti dah terlambat kan? Tapi tak pe lah. If you don’t mind please tell me what you want tapi pada kadar RM 12 which I can get you a cassette or a card. Well, apa nak buat, itu je yang I can afford. Tengok lah kalau raya ni dapat banyak duit raya Ayu belilah something expensive and send it to you by air-mail. (WOW) .

I wish we can talk often in the phone. Dah lama tak borak dengan Angah. Masa birthday Ayu nanti call lah ya, sudi-sudikan lah.

This letter is getting boring ain’t it?

Mase dalam phone dulu, masa Angah cakap ‘I miss you’ I wanted to say ‘Me too’ but I controlled myself and said ‘mmm’. After that, I duduk kat meja makan and cried silently.
11:32 pm

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21st February 1995
10:55pm
Hi how’s life? As for me, I am sort of er...making preparations for the big day (Raya). Mama, me and Along pergi KL beli baju untuk kerja Along. Ayu Cuma beli 2 t-shirts...I’ve nothing to talk about.

Anyway, me and Along cannot get together apatah lagi bila Angah dah dah pergi, dia besar kepala. She does not hear what Mama says or hear Mama’s ‘pendapat’, semuanya dia nak contra. Let’s not talk about her because I hate her and mengumpat ni berdosa.

Ok, Kumpulan 4U2C akan datang ke Auckland untuk buat persembahan. Best kan? Tapi tak tau lah sampai ke tak ke Dunedin tu. Right now I'm listening to Radio Muzik and taping songs.

Right now Along is arguing with Mama dalam nada yang mengada-ngada-‘Tak nak lah’..you can imagine how it sounds right?

This aerogram is getting long and the only thing I’ve talked about is Along.

Betul ke Angah nak balik August ni?

Good night...I mean, good morning to you.
11.23pm


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As I Am, Now

The crack of dawn does not scare me anymore
Unkept promises do not, too
I have turned deaf
To what the world has to say
Or give

The nights lure me into sleep easier now
The eyes are not anymore afraid of what I will see
In my dreams
My feelings are free
From hope and expectations

I walk now, after I’ve run too far, too long
Chasing something I was not sure I needed
And I see the road better
Now that I’m walking
And humming, to my heart’s content

I give more now
And I receive even more
Gratitude, I know now, is sharing
I only have myself to be grateful for
And what I can to for others

I give up more now
On the wars I know I cannot win
I keep my thoughts to myself
And spared a few hearts from breaking
With my words, should I have said them

I am calmer now
Like those Sunday mornings
When you have a whole day
Having the possibilities of doing things
But not necessarily doing it

I shall remain, maybe for a long while
In this state I’m in
Where the worries of the world
Do not anymore occupy my conversations
With my mind

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud


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Easy on the Heart, Please

Him : She left me. I caught her cheating, and by then she already ran out of ideas to fool me, so she ended it. And that happened a month before we were supposed to get engaged. Everything for the ceremony was ready. My mom was devastated.

Me : Okay...sian u. Must be hard. I can only imagine.

Him : Memang la susah. Sian lagi kat mak I. Tapi nak buat cam ne...(silence)..I rase I ni persinggahan je la. Because, mase I jumpe dia, she was trying to run away from another guy, her ex. She admitted it, and I, tak tau lah nape, I accepted her.

Me : Oh. So the guy she cheated on was her ex tu lah?

Him : Nope. Orang lain.

Me : Pulak...Takpela, nasib baik Tuhan bagi petunjuk kat you sekarang rather than later. Itu yang you Nampak depan mata, yang belakang you?

Him : Yup. I’m trying to see it that way, too. So Nampak sangat la I ni sekadar tempat mengadu je, sebab she find someone else pulak bila ngan I. Maybe I’m not her taste, kut, entahlah...

Too many of these stories have reached my ears; this is not the first one. I am ashamed to admit that there are girls like these, who drive men into thinking that they are into them, when their pure intention is only to get rid of their loneliness. I’ve learned the hard way, that, there is no excuse for breaking someone’s heart, it is just not an option. I did it before, and the guilt lies with me for as long as I can remember. It is still with me now, too.

I pity this friend of mine and I hope that his heartbreak will heal ASAP, I pity his family, the pain they have to go through, but I am glad, in a way, because the girl didn’t wait to have children with him before she cheats. Good riddance of bad rubbish, I would say.

To the girls out there who are with someone, please make sure that you are with that person for the real and correct reasons; not because you’re lonely or on rebound. The head can sometimes trick the heart into thinking that you are in love when actually you are just lonely. Just a kind reminder to not make a fool of someone’s feelings. Please. I’ve been on both sides, I should know.
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Raindrops On My Head

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

I can't stop but have this song from BJ Thomas on my head when I was put in an awkward situation at work recently. You see, we don't really 'like' our boss, I mean, we don't hate THE BOSS, we might mock THE BOSS during our chit chats at the office (which seem to be aplenty since THE BOSS joined our organization) but deep inside, I truly feel that we don't 'hate' THE BOSS. We just wish that we can be as bitchy as THE BOSS is and get away with it like THE BOSS does; all the time. Yes, the bitching and getting away with it seem like luxury to us-we can never afford to have. So since we can’t follow THE BOSS'S trail, we mock THE BOSS. I mean, we need to react to this luxury THE BOSS has, and certainly acting the way THE BOSS does is just not the perfect reaction- we needed to react with whatever we have, in this case our mouths-to mock THE BOSS.

Now you must know that the mocking, I shall admit with shame, is therapeutic. The mocking sessions shall end with us sighing almost always simultaneously, continued with the very familiar ‘Nak buat macam mana, dia boss. Ikut je lah’. And then we sluggishly go back to our places and continue doing the things THE BOSS have asked us to do, often in a short time-frame. That, my dears, is how we cope with the torment from THE BOSS on a daily basis.

I do regard THE BOSS actions (not coming to work and asking people do THE BOSS’S job and THE BOSS taking credit for them) as something morally disgusting. They decrease THE BOSS’S value as a human being, at the same time shadowing whatever the rights THE BOSS may have done. To my personal humble opinion, I think THE BOSS is not ALL that bad. Since THE BOSS joined my organization, THE BOSS has made bold, drastic decisions, which have opened the eyes of the BIG BOSS, as THE BOSS projects often fish money in. Apparently, it is not only the eyes of the BIG BOSS were wide open-ours were too. You see, if we were given an ultimatum, on which to choose, our jobs or the profit/awards the organization gets, we would choose the former. We don’t really care if our organization has the highest rate in branding or the ability of the organization to reel in revenue 50% higher than it did last year, because, our pay were never affected by them, good or bad. Given that, THE BOSS’S grand projects and ideas on how to rev up the company’s image or revenue are always followed by too much work in too little time for US. THE BOSS will, as always ‘delegate’ the jobs and shall give us a humble time frame to complete it. That’s when our eyes become wide open, looking for THE BOSS flaws so that we can mock THE BOSS and do our jobs reluctantly, as a reaction.

Now, all this, has taken a toll on me. I want to make peace with the situation I’m in. So I have a boss with no conscience. So what? I’ll just do my job and let God deal with THE BOSS, like Papa used to tell me, ‘Let God deal with them, you just be you’. So, in pursuit of achieving tranquillity, I have to make peace with the situation I am in now. My approaches include taking lesser time joining the office chit chats, because they will be filled with ‘You know what THE BOSS did? I can’t believe THE BOSS did THAT! Omigod. I’ll make the boss suffer after this. I’m not going to finish the report THE BOSS has asked me to do’. I also try to not listen to one side of the story, should the story of THE BOSS reach my ears. And, I shall, complete my work.

These approaches of mine have not been welcomed by my colleagues. They might not have said it, but they sure look it. They don’t share with me the latest office gossips or drop in my room to say ‘Hey what has THE BOSS swarmed you with lately?’ or ‘Omigod, THE BOSS asked you to do THAT? How dare of THE BOSS’.

My justification, should they decide to interrogate me for not being rebellious, will be-hey, look, I can mock THE BOSS, I spit on THE BOSS doorway (no, I’ve never done that), I can puncture THE BOSS’S tyres (haven’t done that one too) and I can burn THE BOSS’S laptop. But why should I? Why? It’s bad enough that THE BOSS’s a bitch, but mocking THE BOSS everyday and end up doing your job reluctantly won’t be good in the long haul. It will make you lose your respect for your work, it will ridicule your superb working ability and it too, will turn you into a bitch like THE BOSS, without the luxury THE BOSS has (ability to skip work and get away with it). So you have two choices-To perform or to rebel. I chose the former.

Ok, I might not the most pious person on earth, but I do believe God has plans. I decided to do my job, with the desire and intention to learn, and hope that one day, even if my job is not being recognized, as THE BOSS will be claiming that THE BOSS did the job, I will still have God who is my witness and that is enough. However, this heroic leap I’ve taken has caused me to lose my colleagues’ trust .But then again, God as my witness, I have no bad intention. I just don’t wanna be a bitch like THE BOSS and I’m doing it for me. So I guess they just have to live with it.

When I was in the shower, one late afternoon after work, I had that song in my head. How apt, I thought-‘Just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed, nothing seems to fit’. I try to perform, but that has cost me my colleagues. And now I don’t ‘fit’. Funny how the world works. Very Funny. Even funnier that I have a theme song for the situation I'm in now!

Please note that the words 'bitch' or 'bitchy' in this post should not suggest the gender of the THE BOSS. They don't necessarily mean that THE BOSS is female. They are terms used for dramatic effects, to replace 'horrible' :) Please take note.

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What Makes Me Smile

It makes me smile when
I listen to your favourite songs
Which you often sing off tune

It makes me smile when
I pass by our familiar places
Where we used to share and care

And I smile when
The movies play the lines
We used to say

Or when I hear jokes
I used to hear from you

And I smile when
I remember the things that made you pout
Or my antics that made you laugh

I smile remembering all of you

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What Ramadhan Brings

And Ramadhan is here. Above all the tests the month will bring, it will definitely, without my permission, test my strength, living without my parents.

God knows, only He knows. The loud silence, the memories, the could have’s, the regrets and the time spent together-I remember them all but I’m wondering now whether it is a good thing to remember.

And I feel alone, and it is above all, painful, and there is no cure. I just have to live with it, and I am not strong enough. And I am begging every part of my soul, begging, pleading, for it not to tear. On my knees asking God to give me strength for He knows that above all the miseries in life I have to go and have gone through, this is the toughest.

And I am not strong enough.

What is the cure, where is it?

I tell myself, ‘Be strong, Ayu, you’re a good girl’. But one can only be too strong.

I have a lot to tell you, Mama. And when I dream of you it always seems too short a time. And you hugged me in one of my dreams. But it was too short a time. When will you hug me again?

And Papa, I am sorry for not being a good daughter. All the years I spent with you in that house, I claim that I was looking after you, when instead; you were the one who looked after me. And I miss you. I always run to you when I have a bad day, and you will always have something nice to say. You said there are no shortcuts to success; you said I have to be nice to everyone, even though they don’t treat me right. Let God deal with them and I just be me. And I keep that close to me, Papa. And I’m sorry; I was a disappointment to you. I love you, you better know that. And I will carry the sins I have done with me all my life, but I want you to know I love you. You’re my Papa, and I’m your little girl. I wouldn’t choose anyone else as my Papa if I had to. But I don’t blame you if you ever wished you had a better daughter than me. I’m sorry...I know I could’ve done better.

There will be quiet nights this month, unlike other families, where laughter will echo throughout buka puasa. And I too will be quiet, not only in the nights. And I will wish for ridiculous things like asking you to hold my hand or sit next to me and talk about nothing at all, and I will wish for you to just be there.

Please God, give me strength to get through the days in front of me. I need it.

If I could ask only one thing now, I would ask You to let me see them in my dreams tonight, so that they can tell me they’re ok.

And Ramadhan will test my will to keep on going. There will be not a second when I do not wish you were here, but I guess I just have to deal with it. Like a blind man having to deal with not being able to see the sun, I shall deal with it. How, I have yet to find out.

‘Be strong, Ayu, you’re a good girl’

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Tropic Thunder

I love Robert Downey Jr. Did I tell you? No? You couldn't have guessed?

Well, I love him. How much? To bits. I have wet dreams of him. I wanna have his children. I'd smoke pot for him. I'd rob a bank for him. That's how much.

Robert Downey Jr will be back with his next movie, Tropic Thunder.

In this movie, he ain’t as cute as he was in Ironman, but well, when you love someone, you just love someone, regardless of how the bloody hell he looks like. Here's what the movie is about.

He plays as an African American character, Sgt. Osiris. Tropic Thunder is a 2008 action comedy film directed by Ben Stiller and written by Stiller, Justin Theroux, and Etan Cohen.

The film stars Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as a group of prima donna actors making a Vietnam War film when their fed-up writer and director decide to abandon them in the middle of the jungle, forcing them to fight their way out. Stiller initially had the idea for the film while playing a small part in Empire of the Sun, and later brought on Theroux and Cohen to help him complete the script.

After the film was greenlit in 2006, filming took place in 2007 on the Hawaiian island of Kauai over 13 weeks, and was deemed the largest film production in the island's history. The film had a large marketing promotion, including showing numerous screenings, selling the fictional energy drink advertised in the film, and posting faux websites for the characters, films, and products shown in Tropic Thunder.

It will be on Malaysian cinemas October 23rd.

Sounds cool. Stiller and Black in the movie make it even more interesting.

Can’t wait for it!


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