Tripping, Stumbling, Sinking, Crumbling

I’ve been meaning to write you
A line or two that you can remember
Or that can make you smile
On your way to work

I have so many I want to say
A word or two that mean something
But my vocab is limited
And my pronunciation bad

So I kept quiet when we meet
Also when on the phone
I blame the blurry phone line
For me to hang up, when my words are out

I know you know my tremble
When I choke on my words and out of breath
But The Boy Scouts didn’t teach you CPR
For a girl choking on her nerves

So you decided to stare and ask ‘Are you okay?’
To which I would reply ‘You have beautiful teeth’
But Mommy must have taught you well
When you would walk me home still
Even when I snort when I giggle

I do want you to know
That my heart isn’t as complicated
As my tongue when I speak, or try to
I simply am fond of you
And that will be for a long time too


Click Here to Read More..

My Motivation

I got myself together one weekend and asked myself do I want to carry this fat body around forever. I used to be an M, now er...no more M.

I was glancing through photos of mine taken during my birthday celebration when I realized I was overweight. How could I ever think that I looked ok? Well thanks to very loving friends who accepted me for who I am and appreciated my company regardless of my ass size, that’s why..(I love you guys!). Also, because I didn’t have a full size mirror in my room. Sigh.

And then there was another day when I was glancing through my old Uni photos and photos when I was dating my ex, 4 years back, when I realized I looked good. I looked extremely hot. And I was determined to get the body back simply because I feel I am worthy of it. And I’m tired of going shopping and getting disappointed in the dressing room.  To all designers/boutiques out there..what’s with the small sized clothes oi? You think fat people cannot afford to buy your designs because we spend most of our money on food? Well guess what..we can afford BOTH food and expensive clothes, you freak! But then again, thank you for the motivation.

I started working out again, with myself in my mind, thinking that I owe myself a good health and a good looking body. I got a full size mirror, new running shoes and a scale. I was also thinking about the fact that I will be turning 30 in 3 years and if I stay fat, I ‘d never get the chance to say ‘I was once young and sizzling hot’ when I reach mid 30’s. Sigh. It's been 6 weeks now since I started working out and I am pleased with the result. My body is slowly shedding the weight off. I need another 6 months to a year until I can get back my Uni-day body. But I will!

So for those wanting to shed weight but lack motivation, think of you, think of yourself. Do it for your own good, not for a guy/girl you want to impress, because you mean more than anybody else. Think about matching that wonderful personality of yours with a good looking body. Think also about the all clothes you can wear! You deserve it!

Note : Oh yeah, another tip-announce to the world that you are in the midst of losing weight, so that the thought of the world laughing you off should you fail, keeps playing in your mind as motivation.
Click Here to Read More..

August

I lost you to August
It is disturbing, the wind
Blowing you away from me
Swirling, twirling you away from me

The heart finally stopped longing
And I find myself crawling back to a place
Where I have nothing to lose, everything to gain
Where I belong

I can still hear the wind even here in my corner
It swifts and dance with a smile
With you in its hands
With its whispers in my ears

It is cold here
But it is familiar, the sight, the nothingness
I let the wind dance and sing, perpetually
And I surrender to it, it wins

I sit here, my heart cannot break
As I do not have one anymore

I lost you to August
You, whom I have never had
Click Here to Read More..

I was reminded of Mama when I was having a conversation with a relative who is currently staying with us here. The relative, a 68 year old lady whom I call nenek, is here with her husband who is seeking treatment at a nearby hospital.

It seems that her husband, whom I call atok, has a major tumour on his arm, which they are afraid of being cancerous. I told the lady, ‘My mum showed me how a cancer tumour looks and feels like. It is something that grows under the skin and is not bumpy like atok's’.

She replied, ‘Poor thing..who is taking care of your parents’ house now?’ and then the conversation continued about the house, my parents, me. I got teary eyed and excused myself. I went to my room and sobbed. I hate this feeling. The fact that I am reminded that they are gone. And that I have no one. I call the lady nenek, but she is not blood related to me. She is someone else’s nenek.

I live with my sister now and yes I call her home my home too. But in fact, it isn’t. There will be a day that I shall leave this home; I cannot stay here forever. But then where do I go? I have nothing. I have nobody. Click Here to Read More..

Random Ramblings 3

I started wearing sunnies during my outdoor workout sessions recently to avoid the sun and to avoid being seen by people I do not want to meet (happened a lot lately). The funny thing (which later I thought was annoying) is the fact that I get more stares when wearing them than the time I do not have them on.

Wearing sunnies during the outdoor workout session is not something bizarre, as many of the runners/joggers have them on. So I didn’t think people stared at me because they thought wearing sunnies were trying too hard. You see, when they stare, they stare me in the eyes. They think that just because they cannot see my eyes, I too cannot see them. Well boohoo..I can. And this keeps happening time and time again. What is the urge, people? To try and look into the eyes of people wearing sunnies? What is the urge? Don’t you know that we can see you? Oh yeah WE CAN! I can’t help but think it is just pure *cough* stupidity.

A colleague of mine who is 22 has been dating a 27 year old girl from another department. Yes we were shocked when they hooked up, and yes, we are shocked that they are still going strong. Maybe it is meant to be. Now, it hasn’t bothered me before, the fact that they are dating, until recently. The boy (who reports to my boss) SMSed my boss one Monday morning. The SMS read ‘I am unable to come to work as my girlfriend’s sister is sick. She may have to be admitted in a hospital in Muar and my girlfriend and I are on the way there to send her to the hospital’. Yup. He took emergency leave because the girlfriend’s sister MIGHT be sick at another part of the country. For your information, the sister is living with her parents and I am sure, more than sure that she can be well taken care of by the family, not a family member’s boyfriend. I am not annoyed over the fact that the 22 year old is lying to avoid work, because he is not. I’m annoyed that it is the truth. He did go to Muar, to show how much of a hero he is-to someone not even related to him yet. I can imagine the girl’s plea, ‘If you love me, you better get my sister to the hospital’. Sigh.

People have been asking when I’m going to get married, more often than before. ‘Can you get married before I turn 42?’, asked my 41 year old sis. Next year? Yeah right. ‘My friends at the office have been asking about you’, she continued. People from her office? Who’s gonna ask her the question next? Her boss? Random people in the public? Sigh.

Click Here to Read More..

Random Ramblings 2

There is always this feeling of tranquillity when I hear the Azan. I think I speak for every Muslim about that. I heard Azan Zuhur at lunchtime on the radio. I was having trouble at work in the morning and when I heard the Azan, I felt my worries just drain away, easily flowing away.

The Azan gave me wider perspective. Suddenly all the worries of the world are not that big anymore. Suddenly I was reminded that there is a bigger force to life, which is God. And He decides. I felt I was giving away my problems to him, que sera sera, for Him to decide, as I do not have the power or will to change more than what I have already changed. And that two minutes was the best minutes of my day today.

--

Another thing that has brought calmness in me recently is my working out! I have been jogging (ok, fine...brisk walking) this whole month and with each step I took, I felt released from the stress I’m in. On top of that, I’ll have a fab bod in 2 more months! Makes me smile...

--

This year, many of the people I despise at work have left my working proximity. First was this horrible colleague who was able to cause us trouble in everyway. Forgetting deadlines? Always. Forgetting to return calls? Yup, as he was never in the office. Took more leave than anybody else? Oh boy, he did it. Dump all his work to his colleagues? Yup. Dumped his work to his colleagues and take credit for a job well done? Too many times. Well, he left about a month ago, and truthfully speaking, our workload here at the company did not change. It was the same as before. That means that he never contributed to the company. The only good thing about him leaving is the fact that the office is quieter (he has a big mouth) and that we finally can take credit from the work we do.

Another idiot leaving us is my ex boss (boohoo!). He gave me hell when I reported to him. He told me that my writing is bad (I know...stupid of him ain’t it?) and that I had an ‘attitude’. Cheh. Try having himself as a boss. Then I’ll be sure you’d see a different side of you you haven’t seen before. Blergh. (My GM also hated him, as he has never shown good work, basically). He was so sick of me he’d hurt me in many ways he could, he made me cry and made me feel like crap. When I left to work with another boss, I heard my ex GM gave him bad end of year assessment and treated him like crap, which is what I think he deserved. Music to my ears was when I heard he was leaving the company to start his own business. Let’s see how well the business will go..or will not go...

--

I don’t like sweet stuff. Cakes, ice cream, chocolates, caramel (urgh!). Well I don’t really hate them though. I just do nor prefer them. The reason why I’m fat is because I dig fried-to-perfection and santan based stuff, boohoo. I’m blaming my Minang side for that. They introduced me to ayam goreng rempah, daging cincang, rendang minang, masak lemak cili api...yumm!!! I can’t imagine living without those things. I even sometimes eat roti canai or mee goreng with kuah rendang. Yummers!

Click Here to Read More..

Random Ramblings

I don’t understand the relevance of acting the opposite way you feel, particularly when you’re feeling sad. Like a song suggested: ‘Smile through your heart is aching, smile, even though it’s breaking’. Why torture yourself? I have tried and failed.
I somehow cannot force my facial muscles to form a smile when my eyes are getting teary. Nature has decided that a teary eye goes together with a pout or a frown, not a smile. Maybe what the songs suggests is for us to stay positive throughout the struggles in our lives. Well, we will, as soon as we have dried up our tears and gain rationality, which may take from an hour to 3 days.

---

I went out for lunch with my officemates, who are all male yesterday. Then, in the middle of our meal, we were joined by two other men, one a driver and one (later I learned) a lab assistant whom I have never met before. The assistant came and sat next to me, with guess what? -A breast silicone. In his hands. ‘Look’, he said, holding it up for the table to see. And see was what the table did. ‘This is a breast implant. There was an actress who came by our hospital yesterday and had this silicone implanted’, he said. My friends started asking questions about the silicone and the actress and then a few jokes were exchanged. I listened but did not find anything amusing. I thought the only thing worth laughing at is this assistant who actually held the silicone in his hands even to lunch, just to show it around. A true attention seeker and pervert indeed. Either those or he is just a plain idiot looking for a few minutes of fame.

I continued my lunch and became very quiet. The assistant started squeezing and playing with the silicone in his hand. And then I gave him the look. And he shot back, ‘Eh, there’s a lady here and she’s mad about this’, hoping that the table replied to his statement with a few laughs or giggles, but he was only disappointed when my friends only kept quiet. He kept playing with the silicone all through lunch and desert.

I was baffled by this assistant’s behaviour. Why did he carry that silicone around? Firstly, it belongs to the hospital. Secondly, don’t you look stupid carrying it around? Or maybe he thought that looking stupid is nothing compared to the fame he gets when people start asking questions about the silicone and the sizzling details about the actress who had them implanted the day before. No one can get shallower than that

---

I hate people with baby-like manner. The sulking, the tantrums, the I-want-what-I-want-and-I-want-it-now attitude and the constant nagging/complaining. Why? Because I’m a baby myself and I hate when people around me wants to be babied like me. I guess that’s why I’m always picking a fight with my youngest nephew because he is such a baby and does all the things that only I am allowed to do-babying. Sigh...I know, I know...I’m shallow. I’m trying to grow it off.

---

I was driving to work in a drizzle one day and saw a few people standing at the bus stop. They couldn’t sit because the seats are all wet and they are tugging their skirts and pants from the puddles of water on the ground. All that brought me back to the days when I was like them. Come rain or humid sun, I’ll be there, waiting for the bus, always in a restless mood. But I went through it day by day and I had no complaints.

During my bus days, I wake up at 5.30 am, cooked breakfast/lunch for my dad, started walking at 6.30 am to a bus stop at 1.5km away from my house and waited for the bus that was never on time. On top of that, I had to work with bosses with medical degrees and had very high expectations of me, even though I was only a temp clerk.

I wondered then, when I was in my car, staring at the people at the bus stop, how in the world did I survive what I survived back then, with me being a (self-proclaimed) baby. Not to say that what I went through was hugely super, some people have been through worse than I did. But it was my own battle-my bus-days, and I won it. I am proud and at the same time I’m praying that I won’t take everything I have now (that I haven’t had before) for granted. So even though I might be a baby to some people, when the time needs me to toughen up, toughen up I can, and will.
Click Here to Read More..