Down Memory Lane

The ringing of the phone always made my heart skipped a beat, and I hoped so much that the person calling me was him.

He was just average, but maybe that’s why I liked him so much. He didn’t try-his charm was effortless.

‘Hey, you asleep?’

That’s it, that’s all I want to hear, his voice. Even if I was asleep, I wouldn’t be the second he called.

Did he know?

‘No, I’m not,’

‘I had troubles with my mom today,’

And I know exactly why. And I felt so hopeless.

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‘You know when you care for someone; you want that person to be happy, not out of obligation, but because you just
want to. Because making that person happy suddenly makes you feel happy. I want that for you,’

Of course. I felt the same for him. But did he know?

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I had a terrible time with my boss that day.

‘It’ll be ok tomorrow, trust me,’ he said.

And sure enough, it was all ok, just like he said.

‘My boss didn’t become such a bitch as he did yesterday, just like you said. I love you!’

Silence.

‘Why won’t you say you love me too?’

Silence.

But what he said after that I remembered.

‘Because words are not enough. Because you deserve more that what I can give you now. Because it’s unfair to you,’

He never fails to tell me that every time I asked.

And I asked many times

I didn’t comprehend then, but I do now. But does he know?

Source: My old ones
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Once

They came and left
But I was hurt, only once
He said so many
But I listened, only once-when he said ‘Goodbye’
I gave up so much
But I regret, only once-when I gave me away
I smiled for long
But I was happy, only once
I cried for long
But I suffered, only once
I was taught about life
But I learned, only once-when I shared it with him
I spoke words of such
But I meant it, only once-when I said I love him
I find the flaws in him many times
But I was hesitant, not even once
I loved so much
And I was loved too, only once

Source : My old ones
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Discovering Me

I can hear my heartbeat only when I’m alone
I understand the meaning of love when I’m betrayed
I recognize the hero in me only when I cry
I know where I belong when I have strayed
I gain bravery through their many deceptions
I learn truth from reality’s hits and blows
I see myself when there is no one beside me
I understand sorrow when I’m utmost happy
I can sleep soundly only after my tears run dry
I achieve contentment by accepting my flaws
I understand God when He puts me in places I resent being
I see the gem in my friends when I am trapped in the dark
I find pleasure in humility in when someone is in need of me
I love, not because I’m lonely, but because it is rare
I discover me now, not to retaliate, but because it was lost
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Tapi Aku Ada Jiwa

Aku ini, lupa
Tentang maksud dan garisan
Yang dulu aku tahu dan patuh

Aku ini, hilang
Antara dulu dan sekarang
Kerana nafsuku adalah suluhku

Aku ini, jahil
Aku mencari tapi sesat
Aku percaya tapi buta

Aku ini, sakit
Kerana sungkurku tak berbelai
Kerana jatuhku tak bersambut

Aku ini, takut
Pada tangan dan hati
Yang selalu memukul sedarku

Tapi aku ini juga, jiwa
Yang menyedarkan lupa
Yang mencari bila hilang
Yang mengisi jahil
Yang memberi bila sakit
Yang meneman bila takut

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud

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The Journey

The little girl follows in excitement
‘Don’t worry now, hold my hand’, said the mother
Her steps are swift, her smile abiding
Her hand clenching her mother’s, tight

‘But I am tired, Mother, the journey is so long,’
‘Open you eyes and enjoy the journey, I’m right beside you’
Journeys will always end, do not worry
They end when you are where your heart desires to be

And along the way, Mother tells the little girl stories
Of life, love and God
Until they reach a journey’s end
In a place of which is unfamiliar to the little girl

‘My journey ends here, love. This is where we part. I will stay here from now on’
As their hands part, the little girl wept
‘Go on, find your way, girl. I won’t hold your hand but I will be there with you’
The little girl was left there alone, her tears dried up by the wind

The girl finds herself on the road again
This time with no one to hold her hand
The bumps on the road are long forgotten
Her destination unknown

And sometimes in those long cold night
The little girl sees her Mother smiling in her dreams
Telling her that the weather tomorrow
Will be fine for walking the journey

So the little girl continues walking her journey
Maybe with holes in her shoes, but never in her heart
Fate stole her Mother away, it didn’t steal her love
She walks alone now, to that place where her heart desires to be

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud


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Growing Pains

There are times when she wished
Her heart was fuller than it is
And there are times when the wish comes true
And many a time in the nights
She asked God whether she was worthy of His givings

And then there are times
When she goes through to many broken promises
That makes her ache in places
She didn’t know she had inside of her
And she gives away more than she can
To make up for the losses that shouldn’t be

And then, with her own will, in her own time, she will realize
That a full heart is not always resistant
And that aches inside of her are only growing pains
That will happen perpetually
And an escape from it is impossible

Copyright ©2009 Aida Rahayu Mahmud

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...

I took uselessness to another level when I answered these Q's
1.Your name spelled backwards.
Uya. Actually that’s the name of one of my closest friends in highschool.
2. Where were your parents born?
Singapore and Kuala Kelawang
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
QuickTime Player and iTunes, thanks to the many junk mails I received.
4. What's your favourite restaurant?
Sigh. Anything with crispy potatoes and spicy chicken will make my any day a happy day.
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
Er...when I was 9. I have a photo of it, me in a red swimsuit.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yes, as Hang Kasturi in Puteri Gunung Ledang play, 1998
7. How many kids do you want?
More than 1 only if I will get sponsored for breast augmentation and butt lifting surgery post delivery.
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Anything with shouting in it. I’ve mellowed.
9. Are you registered to vote?
With shame I admit, no.
10. Are you homesick?
If he is home, then I’m homesick.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
A what?
12. Ever prank call anybody?
Oooh..want a list?
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
Yup. Got it, dumped it.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Depends on who I wanna impress.
15. Furthest place you ever travelled?
In my mind..an Island I called my own. I got my own little wooden house on it, surrounded by nothing but nature. I keep my toyboy in that house. :D
16. Do you have a garden?
Used to.
17. What's your favorite comic strip?
Baby Blues.
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Sigh.. That’s like asking ‘Do you know how to pee?’ Of course la.
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
Baths on sad nights, showers on every other day
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Madagascar 2
21. Favorite pizza topping?
Thick, melting, sexy cheese
22. Chips or popcorn?
Chips
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Nude with thick mascara, pink with bare face
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
What? Who invented these questions?
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Yes. I’ve won many times.
26. Orange or Apple juice?
Milk
27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
The good boy, mamak
28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Hazelnut
29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
I didn’t register, remember?
30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
I haven’t had a homegrown anything for a while
31. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes, in kindergarten. I was so cute; they HAD to give me one.
32. Are you a good cook?
Yes. No fatalities yet.
33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
I have forgotten how, as the Banglas at the stations always do it for me.
34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
Nope.
35. Sprite or 7-up?
Sprite.
36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Is this a trick question? Why do I have a feeling that the person who invented these questions is stalking me?
37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Ahah! You are stalking me. How did you know I went to the pharmacy eh?
38. Ever throw up in public?
That was not me, I swear.
39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
True love exists?
40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes, God knows I do. It ain’t easy.
41. Ever call a 1-800 number?
Yup. Can’t remember why, though.
42. Can exes be friends?
Yes, with benefits.
43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
My friend who gave birth
44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
Yes. Why is it important to know THAT?
45. What message is on your answering machine?
I don’t have an answering machine.
46. What's your all time favourite cartoon character?
ANY superheroes in spandex.
47. What was the name of your first pet?
Pets-Elizabeth and Margaret, stray cats. I had nothing to do with the name choosing. It was my sister's alter ego, which was an English lady.
48. What is in your purse?
Keys, purse, coin purse, compact powder, mascara, lipstick, lip gloss, blusher, small hairbrush, pen drive, my name cards, sanitary pad.
49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Pintal rambut and cium bantal busuk.
50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
That I can answer 50 useless questions.
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